As I Was Saying
by A Thing For Brothers
Summary: This is the continuation of my story When Will The Pain End? The last chapter is up. I added a finale to the last chapter. It's not much. Just a bit from when they got the letter from Steve. Enjoy!
1. Explanation

Okay, this story had been titled, "When Will The Pain End?" but it had been taken off line. I hope it won't happen again. I'm sorry for those of you who had been reading it before and were disappointed to find it missing.

This is a story about Darry and Ponyboy and how they deal with the loss of their brother Sodapop. I know he never really died, but since the person who SEH based Soda's character off of died, I decided I'd give this a shot. Enjoy this story.

I just started from where I left off. If you hadn't gotten the chance to read the 14th chapter, I am willing to rewrite it. I might rewrite the whole story, but for now, I just want to finish it. Thank you for your patience.


	2. Attacked Again

By the time I got into the truck and headed home, I was exhausted. I was lucky I didn't fall asleep as soon as I sat down. It was a trying day without rest. I didn't think it would be so hard to finish this project, but it took even longer than I expected.

It was 8:30 by the time I started driving home. I still had to stop at the grocery store, and I wasn't up for it. So I just pulled up at the gas station across from the lot.

I went inside and grabbed a loaf of bread and some meat for tomorrow's supper. And just to be on the safe side, I grabbed some chocolate milk for Pony.

When I left the gas station, I heard a scream. I looked around but didn't see anyone. Then, I heard it again, only this time it was my name.

I rushed over to my truck and poured the bags inside. Then I ran toward the scream. I saw a lone figure surrounded by about four others. Fearing it was Pony, I ran toward them.

When I got to them, I grabbed hold of the one closest to me, pounding him in the face. Unfortunately, with four against me, I was too out numbered to keep them off for long. I looked around, seeing if Pony was near or who it was that was being attacked, when I noticed that whoever it had been screaming my name, was now fighting me. This can't be happening, I thought.

**Ponyboy's POV**

I was worried when Darry wasn't home at 8. But I figured he'd be okay. He probably was just at the store or getting a bite to eat. I thought the sky looked beautiful, so I decided to go to the lot and look at the stars, like I had done with Johnny so many years before. Then, remembering what had happened the last time I stargazed with Johnny, I left a note on the kitchen table in case Darry came home before I got back.

I was almost to the lot when I heard a fight going on. I didn't want to get involved in it, but curiosity got the best of me.

I walked timidly, so as not to be noticed. When I saw what was going on, I stopped dead in my tracks.

Darry was surrounded by five guys. Two of them had him by the arms, so he couldn't get loose or fight back. They were punching and kicking him all at once. A hot rage came over me and I charged at them.

"Get away from my brother!" I screamed at them. I took my rage out on them. I hit one, then the other, before one could recover. The two holding Darry were next. Darry looked scared, but not for himself. His face was bloody, and I don't think he could see out of his swollen left eye.

I thought I'd succeeded when one of them pounced on my back.

"It looks like we can get rid of both of you in one day." One of them said. His voice was deadly.

"Get off me!" I yelled at him. But he didn't let up.

I was hit in the stomach, and when I doubled over, they hit me in the head, hard.

I blinked, trying to remain conscious, but to no avail. I passed out cold, terrified for my brother left behind.

When I came to, they were all hitting Darry again. They must have thought they had killed me since I didn't feel any worse.

Darry looked ready to die when one of them took out a metal object. I looked at them, trying to stand up. I realized what it was. . . it was a gun.

"This is what you get, Greaser." The one with the gun said. The others looked as shocked as me and Darry that he had a gun.

"Ted, what are you doing? You never said anything about a gun, man!" One of them said with a shaky voice.

"Doesn't matter. This greaser gonna die."

Darry stared down the end of the gun. I slowly got to my feet, yelling at the one with the gun.

"NO!" I screamed and ran in front of Darry, blocking the shot.

The next thing I heard was the loud sound of a shot being fired. I felt a hot pain in my stomach, and I knew I'd been shot. Good, they didn't kill Darry. I slowly crumpled to the ground, hearing Darry's voice yell my name.

A smile crept over my face, as I lost consciousness.


	3. Pony Was Dead

"Ponyboy!" I screamed. They shot him! They shot my brother!

I struggled to be free of their grasps, but I couldn't. I squirmed, trying to break free, but to no avail.

"What were you thinking? You just killed that kid!" One of the Socs said.

"He's not dead, look at him." The one with the gun said.

And we did. He wasn't dead! He was breathing heavily, struggling for each breath.

"So? You still shot him! Do you want to go to jail?"

"I never thought of that."

"Come on, let's get out of here before the cops come."

Then, with one final blow to my middle, they ran to their cars and drove away.

Doubled over, I crawled over to Pony's side. He was still unconscious. Blood drenched his shirt, and he looked like with each breath he got weaker.

Finally getting my breath back, I scooped down and picked Pony up, rushing to the truck.

I was so hurt, too, that I don't know how I got him to the truck with out passing out. I was sore and bloody. Each step was a struggle, but I had to. Pony was all I had left. He couldn't die!

I drove as fast as I could to the hospital. When we finally arrived, I jumped out as fast I could, rushing Pony inside.

"Doctor! I need a doctor over here!" I yelled upon my entrance.

Soon nurses and doctors rushed around me. One brought over a stretcher and I laid Pony down on it. Soon they were moving him elsewhere, and I ran along side the stretcher, holding Pony's lifeless hand.

When we got to a set of doors, one of the nurses turned to me and said, "This is as far as you go."

"But I have to go back there with him! What if something happens to him and I'm not there?"

"I'm sorry, sir, but if you go back there, you'll pose a greater threat than if you weren't."

"But. . .he needs me."

"I'm sorry. You're just going to have to wait." She said quietly, then she took my baby brother from me.

I watched him through the window of the doors, until they turned a corner and he was gone.

I slowly returned to the waiting room. I collapsed on one of the chairs, and began to cry.

A nurse came over to me and started fixing up the cuts on my face and arms. I was detached to all pain, but she continued to work on me.

"Sir, do you hurt anywhere else?" She asked softly.

"No."

"Okay, sir. Can you fill this out for me?" She held out some papers for Ponyboy and me. I filled them out. I don't know how I remembered our information in the state I was in.

I sat there, bawling my eyes. I was so afraid that I'd lose the only person I had left in the world. What if he died? How would I go on? Could I go on?

Pony was the only person I loved. When I lost Soda, I thought my world would end. Soda was so close to me and Pony. He was there to keep us from fighting. He listened to us when we were hurting, but never asked for anything in return. Pony and I took him for granted. But it's too late to fix it. And that's the thought that's killing me.

My strength was drained. I fought to stay awake. I couldn't fall asleep now. What if Pony needed me?

If Pony died, I would feel so horrible. My heart would shatter to a million pieces. I was so mean to him. I should have been better to him. I shouldn't have hit him. I shouldn't have yelled. I should have comforted him. I should have helped him when he was hurting. I should have. . .

"Mr. Curtis?"

I looked up. A doctor was standing in front of me. I couldn't help but notice the blood stains on his scrubs.

"Yes?"

"I figured that was you. You and your brother looked alike."

That was a first. Wait a minute, did he say "looked?"

"Where's Pony? Is he okay?" I said anxiously.

"I don't know how to say this, but. . .Pony died a few minutes ago. He lost too much blood. We weren't able to save him. I'm so sorry."

I watched the doctor slowly walk away. I took a few deep breaths, but they were interrupted by the sobs that took over my entire body.

Pony was dead. He died saving my life. I hadn't been able to save his. I'm a horrible brother. How could I have done this to him? I killed him! Why did I have to go and see who was in a fight? Why couldn't I have left well enough alone? Pony was dead. That's all I knew.

I slowly got up from my place in the waiting room. Before I could go to the truck, I had to run to the bathroom, where I was sick.

I looked at my face in the mirror. I was pale and my eyes were bloody red. I had a bandage over my right eye, and my left eye was turning purple. What did it matter? Pony was dead.

I went home. How I knew how to get there, I don't know. My mind was blank. No thought went through my head. The only thing I was truly sure of was that Pony was dead.

I went inside the house and into my room. I passed out on the bed, and I didn't get up for about fifteen hours.

Every time I woke, I knew that Pony was dead, and that was it.

Pony, my little brother who had suffered so many losses in his life. Pony, who was a dreamer who like to watch the starts and sunsets. Pony, who was the sweetest of the gang. Pony, who I loved more than anyone else. . . was dead.

Mom was dead. Dad was dead. Soda was dead. Pony was dead. What did I have to live for? I was alone in the world. No one was left to care about me. No one was left for me to love. No one to work for. No one, no one, no one. I was an orphan, with no family to call my own. Two-Bit was still there. Steve was far away. But we weren't really family anymore. We weren't close as we had been. It was final. Nothing to live for. No hope. No love. Nothing.

I finally got out of bed. I went into my parents' old room. I opened up a few drawers, looking for something. I finally found it. It was Dad's old gun.

I placed the bullet inside. I cocked it and placed it against the side of my head. With nothing to live for, why should I go on with life? I was going to end mine. At least then I'd be with family. . .

"Mr. Curtis?"

I was jerked awake by a doctor. I looked around me. I wasn't about to kill myself. But. . . was Pony dead?


	4. Memories

"Is. . . is Pony okay?" I asked, not really wanting to know the answer.

"He's doing much better. We had no trouble getting the bullet out, and, luckily, it didn't hit any vital organs. Your brother is very lucky. If we ever get patients like this, they usually die within the hour of their arrival. He's going to make it. I'm sure of it."

Tears filled my eyes at the news. He was going to be okay!

The doctor leaned forward toward me. "Just between you and me, most doctors don't like this idea and don't believe in it. But I think that people who come in here like your brother did, only survive if they want to live. Your brother wanted to live. He wanted it more than anything else, and I could tell by the way he fought. You'd have to to survive what he went through."

He got up and left me sitting there, stunned, but proud of my brother's courageous efforts.

Pony was alive! I cried again, only this time, I was happy.

**Pony's POV**

Pain. That was all I felt. A deep pain that seemed to spread throughout my entire body. I wasn't sure where I was, or what had happened. I passed out, and when I slept, I dreamed of when we first heard that Soda was dead.

Flash back:

The gang was all at our house. Darry was fixing supper and Two-Bit, Steve, and I were playing cards. I was about to win, when someone knocked on our door.

Darry moved to open the door. When he did, a man in uniform was on our front porch.

"May I help you?" Darry said.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come at such a bad time, but there isn't a good time to tell you this." The soldier said.

"What?" Darry said, fear plainly in his voice.

"I'm sorry to say this, but your brother Sodapop died yesterday. He was shot down after he saved the lives of the men in his group. He was their leader, and he saved them, but he died in doing so. I'm so sorry."

"Thank you." Darry said, not really knowingly. He shut the door, and walked to the couch, where he sank down.

I looked to Darry, not fully comprehending the fact that Soda was dead. Two-Bit's face was stoic, and Steve started to cry.

It suddenly hit me, like a ton of lead. Soda was dead. The brother I loved so dearly died.

I looked around the room at everyone. No one hadn't understood. Tears were on every face.

Suddenly, with the weight of it all coming down on me, I broke down and sobs. I screamed, I cried, I choked. I couldn't understand. Why did Soda die? WHY!

Darry came over to me. He held me close, but I didn't want him. I wanted Soda!

The sobs took over. I couldn't stop them. The tears blurred my vision. I couldn't understand. Why did we have to go through this again?

When the tears and sobs slowed, I looked around. Two-Bit and Steve were gone. It was just me and Darry.

I looked to him. He was still crying, too, but he was controlling his emotions better than I had been.

What are we going to do without Soda? How will I live without Soda!

I couldn't take it anymore. I passed out cold on our living room floor, exhausted from the pain and misery of my life.

Coming to, Darry was hovering above me, a look of fear and concern plainly on his face.

"Are you okay?"

"NO!" I said. I laid face down on the floor, crying once again for the precious brother I had lost.

Darry went to bed. Supper went untouched, and I soon went to bed, but I was haunted by the fact that Soda had once shared that same bed with me.

I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. Nothing was right anymore. Why so much pain in my life? Why did Soda die? HOW WILL I SURVIVE!

Tears slipped down my face. I was immune to them. No pain was felt. The only thing I could tell was that my heart was shattered.

Somehow, I fell asleep with a broken heart. I had nightmares of when Soda died, though I didn't know exactly what had happened. The pain and fear was unbearable. I didn't know how I'd make it through the next day.

Waking up, it all came flooding back to me. Soda was dead. I had so hoped him to return safely. He only had another year to go, and he would have been home. Well, he's coming home earlier, but this time, in a wooden casket.

I got up, though I found no reason to go on. Who knew I'd find my reason for living sitting at my kitchen table?

I went inside the bathroom and watched my face off, trying to reduce the redness on my cheeks and eyes. I dried off, and then went into the kitchen.

When I first got to the doorway, I stopped. There, sitting at the table, was Darrel Shaynne Curtis, Jr.

Why did this surprise me? Because last night to this morning, I forgot I still had a brother. Why did I think I had nothing to live for? I had a brother who loved me, though I had lost one. It didn't make up for the pain of losing Soda, but I had someone who would take care of me, like Soda would have. How could I have lost sight of that? Darry was a great brother. How could I forget that?

With a little more strength than before, I entered our kitchen. Darry looked up from his coffee cup, that he had been staring at. When I walked by him, he gave me a sad smile.

I sat down after I poured myself a glass of water. I couldn't handle drinking chocolate milk, because even that would remind me of Soda.

"You want something to eat?" Darry said, his voice husky with emotions.

"I don't know how I could eat anything." I said.

We sat in silence. Neither of us could think of what to say, because we were both hurting too much.

If it was any normal day, Soda would be sitting between me and Darry. He would have just served us a weird meal, like green pancakes, and we'd drink chocolate milk together. Darry would drink coffee, like he is now. Soda would be telling me about how many cool cars he worked on at the DX, and say that we should go play football with the gang. Darry would smile at his enthusiasm, and I'd laugh because Soda could make you laugh no matter what.

I looked over at Darry. Too bad it wasn't like that now. What if it could be?

"Why don't we play some football?" I said.

"What?" Darry looked confused.

"Call Two-Bit and Steve. Let's go play football."

"Why?" Darry wasn't getting it.

"We can't mope round forever. Let's go play football. It'll be a step in the right direction."

"You're crazy. But let's do it." He got up and went to the phone and called the guys over. When Darry hung up, we ran over to the lot to wait on the gang. I grabbed the football.

Soon the gang showed up. It was just the four of us. Darry was on my team, because even at sixteen, I was still smaller than the rest of the guys.

I could see Johnny and Dallas playing with us. Johnny would be on mine and Darry's team. And then, Soda would be there. He'd be with the rest of the gang. Maybe Two-Bit would play on my team, too. Darry would throw me the ball, since I was the fastest runner and then Soda would chase me down and tackle me to the ground. It would be more fun than we'd had in a long time. Too bad it was just a dream, a memory of what had been. . .

I opened my eyes as I woke up. I looked around and the first thing I saw. . . was Darry.

**Note: There had been the lyrics to "Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot here. But for fear of getting this story taken offline, I removed it.**

**I dedicate this chapter to Lacey. Thanks for being so inspiring!**


	5. Infection

The nurse finally let me go back to see Pony. One of the doctors was in there.

"Hello, Mr. Curtis. Perhaps you can help me." Dr. Evans said.

"Help you with what, ma'am?" I asked.

"I can't get him to open his eyes. I know he's been awake a few times, but he won't open his eyes. Maybe if he hears you ask him to, he'll do it."

"Why do you need him to open his eyes?"

"Well, we want to make sure he can still see clearly. You never know when the bullet could have hit a nerve. Also, we need him to stay awake so we can make sure he's all right."

"I'll give it a shot."

"I think he's awake now. You can sit on the bed with him if you want."

Licking my lips, I sat on the edge of Pony's bed. I took his hand in mine. I heard him give a faint whimper, and I took it that he w as awake.

"Pony? Can you open your eyes for me?"

He whimpered again, as though in reply.

"Please try, kiddo. I know you can do it. Just open your eyes."

His eyes twitched, opening slightly, but then he shut them tight. He whimpered, but this time it sounded like he was trying to say something.

"What is it, baby?" I asked him.

"It. . ." That was all I could make out.

"Does it hurt?"

"Ye-s." He made out.

"Maybe you could dim the lights?" I asked Dr. Evans.

She went to the wall where she dimmed the lights a little.

"Try again, baby. You can do it."

He gave a little cry of pain.

"I know, I know, baby. You can do it. Just open your eyes."

This time, he squeezed my hand. He fought to open his eyes, and after a few tries, he did. Greenish-gray eyes looked up at me. I smiled at him.

"Well, there's those beautiful eyes." Dr. Evans said.

"Pony, I'm Dr. Evans. I want you to follow this light for me."

She took out a light and shone it by his eyes. He closed them against the light.

She laughed. "Sorry. Can we try again? I'll have you follow my finger instead."

Pony slowly opened his eyes. She moved her finger back and forth in front of his eyes. He followed them.

"Good. Now, Pony, can you tell me if you are in any sort of pain?"

"My. . .sto-" Was all he got out.

"Your stomach, baby?" I asked.

He nodded weakly.

"Well, that's because you were shot there, Pony. We took out the bullet and patched you up. It'll hurt for a while, but you'll be feeling better in no time.:

"Is that all?" I asked.

She smiled at me. "I guess so. I'll leave you two alone now. If you need anything, there's a button on the wall to inform one of the nurses."

"Thank you." I said as she walked out the door.

When I turned to look at Pony, I noticed he had tears rolling down his cheeks.

"What's the matter? Are you all right?"

He shook his head no. I used my hand to wipe the tears off. He leaned his face into my hand.

"It's okay, baby. You're fine." I said, trying to comfort him.

"Darry. . ."

"What is it, kiddo?"

"I. . .I love. . .you."

I sat there in silence. He turned his green-gray eyes to me. Slowly, a smile spread across his face, though the tears continued to flow.

"Oh, baby, I love you, too." I said, and then hugged him lightly, trying not to hurt him.

His thin arms wrapped around me, and he squeezed weakly.

"I was so afraid that I'd lose you." I said to him.

"I. . .know."

"I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I'd have to kill myself, or something. There would be no living without you. After we lost Soda, I didn't think I'd ever be able to live again. But then, I looked at you. . .and I knew that I had to live, for your sake. I had to take care of you. I'm sorry I've done such a bad job of it."

"You. . .are a great. . .brother."

"What would I do without you? **(lol) **You're what keeps me going. Without you, I'd be nothing. I hope you know that."

"Why. . .do you think. . .I had. . .a bullet. . .in me?" He said, and then chuckled softly.

I started laughing, something I hadn't done in a long time.

Pony's eyes drooped, and I pulled the covers up around him.

"Go to sleep, baby."

"Okay." He didn't need any persuasion.

I sat there with him and watched him sleep.

**Pony's POV**

I don't remember ever being so tired. All I could do was sleep, and when I'd wake up, it wasn't for long.

Darry was always there. I don't know what he was doing at the hospital. He should have been at work. We couldn't afford for him to skip work.

The pain had eased, but if I lay a certain way, it would hurt again.

I don't know what was wrong with me, but on the third day I was in the hospital, I started sweating a lot, but I was cold. I didn't know what was happening.

"Darry!" I called. I was scared. I needed Darry.

"I'm here. What is it?" Darry said.

"I'm cold." I said through chattering teeth.

"Then how come you're sweating?" He was confused, like me.

"I don't kn-know."

Darry reached over and pressed the button that called for a nurse.

"Someone will be here in a minute. We'll get you better. It's okay." He pushed at my hair, getting it out of my face.

"I'm so c-c-cold."

"Sh. It's okay."

"What is it?" One of the nurses said.

"He says he's cold but he's sweating. I think he has a fever."

"Let's take his temperature."

"Just feel his forehead! That'll tell you that he has a fever." Darry argued.

The nurse stuck a disposable thermometer in my mouth, waited a few minutes, and then took it out.

"103. We have to get that fever down. Go get some antibiotics. I'll figure out what's causing it." She said, as the other nurse went out the door to get antibiotics.

"What's wrong with me, Darry?" I said, shivering from the cold.

"I don't know, baby. You'll be okay, though." He gave me a weak smile, and it did nothing to ease my troubled mind.

The nurse came over and stripped the bandages off my stomach as gently as she could. When I heard her intake of breath, I knew something was wrong.

"We need to get a doctor in here. The wound has become infected and it's spreading. We need to get him into surgery. Now!"

She ran out to get a doctor while me and Darry were left, scared to death.

"What's going to happen to me? What does it mean?" I was starting to panic.

"Sh, sh. It's okay. They'll fix it. You'll be fine. You have to be." I think he was saying it as much for himself as for me.

"I'm scared." I said, close to tears.

"I know, baby. It's okay. You'll be okay." Darry reached over and took my hand in his and squeezed.

Soon a doctor came in to my room. He took one look at my stomach and said, "Let's get him prepped for surgery."

The nurse came over and cleaned my wound a little, which stung. Then she placed a silly cap on my head. I looked to Darry, but found no strength there.

"Darry, am I going to be okay?" He took a look at the doctor and said, "You'll be fine, kid. You'll be fine."

I wasn't so sure I believed him.

The nurse put a mask of some sort over my face and told me to breathe deeply.

"Darry, I love you. I'll, I'll be. . ." But I fell asleep before I could finish my sentence.

**Sorry it's so short. It'll be longer next time!**


	6. How could I lose him?

Infection? What did it all mean? I thought to myself, as I waited impatiently to hear about Pony. He'd been back there for almost an hour. Was something wrong? A panicked feeling settled over me, and I felt sick to my stomach.

_God, if you're really real, would you please take care of my brother? Don't take him from me. Please. He's all I have. When I lost Soda, I didn't think I'd ever survive it. I've lost so many loved ones. Don't take him, too. I've dealt with too much pain, too much death. Don't make me go through it alone. With Soda's death, I had to be stronger for Pony. But if Pony dies, I'd have no one to live for, no strength to live again. I'd hate the thought of it, but I would probably commit suicide. Life wouldn't hold any meaning, so what would I live for? I'd have no friends. No family. It would be all I could do to keep from going crazy._

What's happening back there? I wish someone would tell me.

I put my head in my hands and waited to hear something about Pony.

When I heard running, I looked up to see a nurse running toward me.

I stood up immediately. When she arrived within hearing range she said, "Come quickly. We may be losing him!"

A cold fear ran through me. I ran as I followed the nurse. She made me put on a gown, but I didn't want to. I was wasting time! Pony needed me! When she was finished, I bolted toward the door.

When I entered the ER, I wasn't expecting such a scary sight. Pony looked dead. Was I too late? There were tubes coming from his nose, I assumed to help him breathe. He was pale as the sheet he was laying on. Would he die?

The doctors were working faster than I thought possible. Yelling words at each other that I didn't want to hear, I watched as they worked to save Pony's life. What had gone wrong? I thought he was safe in the hospital.

I walked to Pony's side and took his lifeless hand in mine. I begged him silently to hold on, to fight through this. He had to make it. He had to!

As though hearing my thoughts, one of the doctors said, "We got him!"

I looked over and they stopped working. Though I couldn't see their mouths, I could see the smile in their eyes.

"Good job everyone. Looks like he'll be all right after all."

I took a look at Pony, and then passed out cold on the floor.

I don't know how long I was out. When I awoke, I wasn't sure where I was. I looked around, and felt someone's eyes on me. I looked over, and Pony was on the bed beside mine, looking concerned and fearful.

I sighed. He was okay.

"Darry? Are you all right?" Pony asked timidly.

"I'm fine. I'm just fine."

Pony breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank God. When I woke up, one of the nurses said that you had passed out in the ER. I was worried something was wrong. She said they gave you a shot, so you'd get some more sleep. They figured that had something to do with it."

"Oh, Pony." When I crumpled up and sobbed, Pony looked more scared than he ever had before.

Reaching over to my bedside, he shook my shoulder. "What is it, Darry? Are you hurt?"

"No, no, baby, I'm fine."

"Then what is it?" He asked, confused as to the reason for my tears.

"I don't want to lose you. I can't, Pony. I can't. Don't make me go through that, please. Promise me you'll be okay. Promise." I said as I reached my hand out to him.

He took it in his and said, "I promise."

I tried to regain my composure, but it was so hard. I could have lost him, again! How could I let these things happen to him? I have to protect him.

"Darry, what's this all about?" Pony said, realizing there was more to it than just my fear of losing him.

"You nearly died back there." I said after a long silence. "They were afraid they were going to lose you. I was so scared, and am still."

"Wait. You're scared?" Pony asked.

"Yes, I'm terrified of losing you."

Pony's eyes grew large, and he whispered, "I didn't think you were afraid of anything."

I was surprised at what he said. Was I so big and muscular that he thought I was a real Superman? That I felt no pain or weakness? That I didn't worry every minute of every day that I could lose another loved one? _Even heroes have the right to bleed. **(Superman by Five for Fighting)**_

How could Ponyboy not see the worry that I saw so plainly on my face? The fear I went through each day was eating at me. I feared for Pony every minute he was late coming home, every second I was away from him. Oh, how I wanted to keep him with me at all times and protect him from everything bad in the world. But since that would never work, I had to let him be free and let him live his own life. I'd always be there if he needed me to protect him. But I couldn't be with him everywhere he went, no matter how much I wanted to.

Was I ever scared? Yes, I was terrified.

"Pony, you don't know how many times in my life I've been scared." I said.

Pony thought for a minute, and then said, "I always forget that you're not so much older than me that you can't feel scared or worried."

"You have no idea."

Pony leaned his head back and sighed.

I got off of my bed and came over to Pony's side. "Pony, I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from all this. I'm sorry you have to go through so much pain. I'm sorry I wasn't the one to save you when you almost died back there. I went back there, but I didn't do anything."

Pony's eyes grew large again. "Wait. You were back there?"

"Yes, why?"

"When they put me to sleep, all I saw was blackness. I didn't dream. It was as though I had died. Then, I felt a pressure on my hand, though I was asleep. And the blackness turned to light, and I felt a warmth go through me. I felt better than I ever had, and I was ready to live. It was you. You saved me. If you hadn't gone back there, I'd be dead right now."

Tears slipped down my cheeks. I had save Pony? Maybe I wasn't as horrible of a brother as I thought.

"Pony, I love you so much. I'm going to try to remember to tell you it every day, so you never forget."

"I never could. You've done more for me than I have for you. I'll always know you love me. Because I love you, too."

I sat on the bed by him and hugged him. He hugged me back, and he held me as I cried. I was so worried. How could I lose this brother who I love so much?

**That's a little longer. Sorry things have been so dramatic, and all. It's a dramatic time, though. I hope you're enjoying it. It'll be happier when Pony's out of the hospital!**


	7. I'm right here

Sleep was the only thing I did. I was tired, even when I couldn't imagine ever being tired again. Darry finally left and started working again. I thought I'd never convince him that I was okay. I knew Darry would be more protective than ever since I came so close to dying.

I missed Soda. I wished he could have come to see me. He would entertain me during the long, boring hours I spent awake. I was beginning to feel better about his death, but there was nothing that could fill the hole that was in my heart, where Soda would be if he were alive. No one would ever replace him. I would love more people, but there would still be the place where Soda had in my heart that couldn't be filled.

Darry came in around 5:15 that night. I had missed him. For once, I wasn't sleeping forever and I was bored. Besides, I miss being away from my brother. It worries me when I haven't seen him for a while, like something happened.

"Hey, Pony. How you feeling?" Darry asked as he walked inside.

"Fine. Bored, but fine."

Darry smiled. "Well, I might be able to help fix that."

He took a few things out of the paper bag he was carrying. One was a notebook. One was a sketchbook, and the other, was a copy of "Across Five Aprils."

He walked over to my bed and laid them out for me.

"What do you think?"

"Am I dying?"

He laughed. "No. I just thought it would be something nice to get you to help pass the time. You'll be able to go home soon, but you'll still be on bed rest."

"Oh, great. Thanks, Darry. I appreciate it."

He punched my shoulder. "No problem, kiddo."

I stared at the notebook. I opened it up, looking at the blank white sheets. A sigh escaped my lips.

"What is it? Is it the wrong kind? I can exchange it for a better one."

"No. No, it's not that. It's just. . ."

"What?"

"The last time I wrote was when Johnny and Dallas died. I wrote about the days before their death, and a few that followed."

"When was this?"

"A few days after they died. That was the theme I had to write. I wrote it about them."

"May I read it sometime?"

"Yeah, if you want. It's in the top drawer on my desk."

"Did you. . .did you write about me?" Darry asked timidly.

I looked at him. What did he think? Of course I had.

"Yes. Why do you ask?"

"Well, it's just, it was. . .was my fault."

"What?"

"It was! It was all my fault! If I hadn't hit you, you wouldn't have run away. You wouldn't have been there when the church burned down! Johnny wouldn't have gotten hurt. Johnny would still be alive! And since he would, so would Dallas! Hell, I don't know, maybe Soda would be, too. It's all my fault. It's my fault you're here in the hospital. Everything is my own damn fault. You shouldn't suffer because my own stupid actions. You deserve better than me!"

"Darry. . ."

"Don't try to tell me different! I know the truth. It was my fault!"

"Darry, it was _my _fault, not yours. I was late coming home. If I hadn't fallen asleep in the lot, you would never have hit me. See? It wasn't your fault. It was mine. And besides, when I saw my brother getting attacked, what did you think I was going to do? Just run away and hide? No! You needed me, and I was there. I'm fine, Darry, honest. Don't beat yourself over this, because you're one person I can't fight off for you."

Darry began to cry. He dropped down on the bed beside me. I patted his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, Pony. I never meant for this to happen. I thought you were getting beat up. But it was one of them. They tricked me! They weren't really beating him up. They knew my name. They knew I'd come save you. But it wasn't you! It was them. If I hadn't fallen for their trick, you wouldn't have gotten hurt. It's my fault, Pony. I'm so sorry."

"Sh. Shut up about that. What's done is done. It's not your fault. You didn't know they had a gun. I'm all right now, Darry."

"But you almost died! I watched you. You were so pale and lifeless. I thought I'd die with you. But suddenly, they fixed you and you were okay. But you came so close to death. You could have died, and it would have been my fault."

He was in hysterics. It all came flooding back to him, and he was going crazy. Darry was so scared that I would die, but I hadn't. I think he just finally realized all that had happened, and it was scaring him to death.

"Darry, calm down. I'm fine. We're fine. Sh, it's okay." I said as I patted his shoulder.

He got up higher and drew me in a hug. I knew he was afraid of losing me, but I wouldn't.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Pony."

"I'm right here, Darry. I'm not going anywhere."

He squeezed me tighter, as though reassuring himself that I was there. I was there, and I wasn't going anywhere.


	8. Darry Reads The Outsiders

"Ready to go home?" I asked Pony. There was a smile on his face, and he was dressed in his street clothes, instead of the hospital gown he hated so much.

"Yes. It seems like I've been in here forever."

I laughed. "Not forever, but it had been a while. I bet you'll be happy to be home."

"Yeah, I just hope it's not too boring being on bed rest. It had been the first time."

I stuck my hand out, and when he took it, I pulled him up.

"Ready?" I asked.

"Ready." He said confidently.

After I checked him out, we went out to the parking lot and got in the truck. Surprisingly, Pony walked without much trouble. I was glad. It would have worried me if he couldn't move with ease.

When we got home, Pony's eyes lit up. He looked over at me and smiled. I got out of the truck and headed for the front door.

When he opened it up, he was surprised to find Two-Bit inside. I followed close behind.

"Two-Bit! What are you doing here?" Pony asked.

"Hey, kid! How you doing? Darry called me a couple days ago, so I figured I'd come and greet you on your first day home."

"Thanks, man. So how you been lately?"

"Yeah, Two-Bit, we haven't seen you in a while." I added.

"Been busy. Mom's gettin' better, but she still gets weak sometimes. The doctors say she'll be better in a few months."

"Heard from Steve?" I had to ask what we didn't really want to know about.

Two-Bit was silent a few minutes, then he spoke. "I heard from him a few weeks ago. He said he's doing fine. Some people knew Sodapop. Everyone was saying how Soda saved their lives. He knows he's doing the right thing, not just for revenge."

"What else did he say?" I asked, choked over the glorifying of my little brother.

"Just that he misses home, but he hopes to be back soon."

"That's good. I hope he'll be all right." Pony said, his voice breaking a little.

I stepped behind him and squeezed his shoulder. I knew he was afraid of losing anyone else. He'd lost so many loved ones. Another would kill him.

"Well, I'd better be going. I hope you get feeling better soon, kid." Two-Bit said as he shook Pony's hand.

"I'll be all right." Pony said.

"Huh. Tuff enough, huh?" Two-Bit asked.

"Yeah." He replied.

"See you later, Darry."

"See you, man." I said as he patted me on the back.

Pony and I just stood there for a few minutes. I felt Pony lean on me, and I led him to the couch. I was afraid he was getting tired.

We both sat down. Pony leaned his head on my shoulder as we both sat there in silence.

"I miss them." Pony said.

I looked down at him. Did he mean his friends? His family? Or did he mean Mom, Dad, Johnny, Dallas, and Soda? I figured the latter was the one.

"I know, kid. I miss them every day. I figure I will be for a long time to come."

"Why does it have to hurt so bad?"

"Is your stomach bothering you again?" I asked, suddenly panicked.

"No. It hurts with the pain of losing them."

"I'm sorry, baby. I know it hurts. We'll make it, okay?"

"Okay."

"We still have each other, you know."

"Yeah." He wrapped his arms around me in a hug. I hugged him back, knowing how much he needed love in his life and how desperately he needed me. It was my will for living.

The next day, Pony stayed in bed a little longer than I expected. I went in to check on him, to make sure he was okay and not sick or anything.

When I walked in his room, he was sleeping soundly. He shivered a little, because his blanket had been kicked off during the night and was now on the floor. I smiled as I walked over and picked it up, placing it over my little brother. He stopped shivering and burrowed deeper into the covers.

I touched his forehead, just to be sure he didn't have a fever. I was relieved to find it cool.

I looked around his room. It was a mess, as always. He had papers all over and books piled up on the floor. It was definitely Pony's room.

When I looked at the desk, I realized what was still inside, waiting for me to read. His composition. His story he wrote. What he wrote about me.

I walked over to his desk and opened the top drawer.

Inside was a black-covered notebook. I opened it up to the first page, where the title "The Outsiders" was written in blue ink. It was Pony's hand writing.

I turned the page where the beginning of his story started something like this: "When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house, I had only two things on my mind-Paul Newman and I ride home."

I smiled as I read about Pony coming home from the movies. He loved going to the movies. But I don't remember the last time he went. After Soda left for Vietnam, he stopped going so often.

When I came to the part where he was being beaten up by the Socs, I felt the anger return again. Though it had been two years ago, I still felt protective of him.

I was saddened to hear of the fear that Pony was experiencing. I felt touched when he screamed my name.

Soon, I made my first appearance, when I lifted Pony up from the ground.

Wait? I was "rough with him without meaning to be?" When did I do that? Well, I guess since I don't mean to, I don't realize that I'm doing it.

When Sodapop came into the story, I felt the tears well up again. He was such a good brother, to Pony and me. He took care of us both, though he was the middle child.

What was the gesture of me jamming my fists in my pockets? It was a sign of fear, wasn't it? Why had I been so afraid?

Because I might have lost Pony that day.

The realization struck hard. They had had a knife. They had cut his forehead. It could have been deeper, more serious. But he had been spared yet again.

When he mentioned each of the gang, I had to smile. He had them each down. He knew them backwards and forwards, especially Johnny. But then, what about me?

I had eyes like "two pieces of pale blue-green ice." Did Pony fear me because of them? How come I had never noticed?

I read on about the gang. I still missed Dallas and Johnny, but I had come to terms with their deaths, like Mom and Dad's. It was Soda's that was taking me a long time.

When I came to the part with Soda and Pony in bed, I felt cold with shame. Pony thought I hated him, but Soda was trying to convince him otherwise. I do love him. I always have.

When he tried to convince himself that he didn't care, it broke my heart. But then he said that he didn't believe himself. So he did care if I loved him. Why hadn't he known before?

Reading about where he had been the night I hit him, I felt awful. He had had a valid excuse. He was walking those girls home. He was talking Johnny out of killing himself. And then he had fallen a sleep. His memories of Mom and Dad saddened me. I missed them so much, but after all this time, I was getting used to them being gone.

Now came the part I wasn't looking forward to. It was when I hit Pony. I still felt horrible about it. And to think, I had hit him not too long ago. How could I do that to him?

Pony had feared coming home. Of what I would do. Was I that scary?

When I yelled at Pony, I couldn't believe what I had said. I hadn't listened to his side of the story at all. He had fallen asleep. Why couldn't I believe him? Then, Soda, being the good brother he was, tried to stop me. And I yelled at him too. How could I?

Then came the moment that I feared the most. I hit Pony. Pony wrote how my palm had turned red. Had I hit him that hard? I remember how we all stood in shock, then Pony broke it by running out. Why hadn't I gone after him? Why?

_I couldn't take him hollering at me and hitting me, too. Now he just can't stand me. _The words echoed through my mind. I hollered at him? He thought I would hit him more than once? Hadn't he seen the look on my face? Hadn't he known the pain I felt for what I did to my baby brother?

When Pony and Johnny went to the park, I could feel the fear as though I was with them. When Pony was being pushed under water, I wanted to beat the tar out of that David person. How dare he do that to my brother?

When Pony regained consciousness, I felt sick to my stomach when he wrote of Johnny's blade being red to the hilt. He had killed him. Stabbed him. I felt as sick as Pony had been.

When they decided to go to Buck's place, I was about ready to whip Pony. He knew not to go there, but I guess it was his only choice. They decided to go to Dallas for help, instead of coming back home. Was Pony afraid to come back?

Dallas gave them a gun! Jesus, how stupid could he be? You don't give kids a gun. Well, it was for protection.

The days Johnny and Pony spent at the church were long. I could see how close they had become over the time. I knew they had been before, but those days had only strengthened the relationship. When Pony said he didn't care if I worried myself gray-headed, I felt horrible. Did he really think I hated him? Had he driven himself to hating me in that time?

When Dallas came to Windrixville and gave Pony the note, I knew how much Soda worried about Pony. He had given him money even, though he wasn't sure that it would go to him. Soda was a true brother. Why couldn't I be like that?

When Pony ran into the church, unselfishly, I knew the extent of his heroism. He had saved those kids with Johnny, and he had taken a bullet for me. I had a hero living under the same roof as me and I hadn't even realized it.

When Pony was in the hospital, I was awaiting my next part in the story. I wanted to know what Pony thought of me.

_Darry didn't like me. He had hit me. He had driven me away that night. _What had he been thinking of me? I _was _a horrible brother.

But then the next line hit me. _Suddenly, I realized, horrified, that Darry was crying._

Why had I cried? Because the fear that I had lost him, and that it was my fault, had nearly killed me. I had been so afraid that week. More afraid then I ever had been before.

When Pony said how he realized that I had loved him all along, I felt relieved. Pony knew I loved him. It had just taken a while for him to figure it out.

I sighed with relief. I turned and saw Pony stir a little, but he was still asleep.

I read the rest of the story, crying a little when Pony had to watch Johnny die, and then even more when Dallas had died. Pony had realized something I hadn't: Dallas wanted to die because he cared so much about Johnny. I was saddened to think that Dallas would have been alive if Johnny had been.

Then came the worst part: when Soda ran out because Pony and I had been fighting. I needed to reread this part, though I could hardly see for the tears that blinded my vision.

_Darry, you ought to try to understand him more, and quit bugging him about every little mistake he makes. He feels things differently than you._

I had lost sight of that since Soda died. Pony and I both had forgotten what Soda told us.

_We're all we've got left. We ought to be able to stick together against anything. Please, don't fight anymore._

Don't fight anymore. It was what Pony and I couldn't do. We couldn't fight. Though Soda was dead, I knew we were still hurting him when we fought. We needed to stick together. We're all we have now, so we should be closer, not fighting.

I read the last lines, the same way it had began, and closed the book. Pony had written something amazing. He would make a great writer some day.

Pony turned, and looked up at me as he woke up.

"Darry?" He said.

"Yeah, baby. I'm here."


	9. Superman

Seeing Darry sitting at the edge of my bed, my composition book in hand, I felt a sudden fear. I hadn't let anyone read it other than my teacher, Mr. Symes. I hope Darry got the meaning behind my words. I hope you understood that I did love him, that I understood why he hit me. And that I didn't blame him for what happened.

"What'd you think?" I asked, afraid of the answer.

"It's amazing, Pony. Outstanding. You're a great writer, Pony. You'll make a great author some day." Darry said.

"Thanks."

"No, thank you. You didn't make me out to be the bad guy, and you reminded me of what Soda had told us that night. We should stick together, not fight. It'd kill Soda to see us. We need to take care of each other, you know?"

"Yeah. I miss him so much."

"I know, kiddo. Go back to sleep if you're still tired."

"Okay." I said, and slowly dozed off.

I think I heard him say, "I'll be right here" but I'm not sure.

That night, I wasn't very tired. I tossed and turned, trying to sleep, but it wouldn't come. I looked at my clock. It read 12:15. Well, I did sleep pretty late.

I decided I'd get up and get something to drink or something. I needed to do something to pass the time.

I jumped when I saw Darry sitting at the table. I hadn't expected him to be up. When I looked closer, I saw that he was asleep.

I smiled at him. He looked beat. Papers and checks were scattered across the table. He must have been doing the check books.

When I walked beside him, I noticed a dampness to his cheeks. I reached out and touched it gently. Had he been crying? Why?

I looked down at some of the papers and then at the check book. Even I was able to see that we were in debt. From what I could tell, we were five hundred dollars behind. Was Darry afraid we'd lose the house? That he'd lose me? Please, no. I'd never be able to stand going to a boys' home.

Something came to my mind. I had been saving money for a car for years, really. I really wanted a car of my own, even a cheap one. I didn't care what it looked like, really. I just wanted my own car so Darry wouldn't have to drive me everywhere. I planned on getting a job over the summer. I figured Darry wouldn't let me during the school year.

This was more important. I went into my room and got a box out from under my bed. I opened it up and took the money from inside. I counted the money and came up with $403. Then I did something I didn't think I was capable of. I took the money and walked out to the kitchen. I placed the money under Darry's hand and quietly went back to bed.

I slept easy with the thought of me helping Darry. I knew he needed help, but I also knew he'd never ask for it. Darry was independent. He wouldn't take anyone's charity.

I woke up in the morning, earlier than I had lately. It was 8:30 when I got up. I walked out into the kitchen where I found Darry sitting in the same chair as he had been, but he was awake now.

"Good morning." I said.

"'Morning." He said. There was a tone to his voice. A confused tone.

"What's up?" I said, looking at him intently.

"Did you give this to me?" He said as he held the money I slid under his hand earlier in the morning.

"No." I lied.

He looked at me, trying to understand if I was telling the truth or not. I guess my red face gave it away.

"Pony, where'd you get this?"

"I. . .I was saving it."

"For what?"

"For a car. I've been saving my money for about two years now. But you needed it more."

"No. I can't take this from you. I don't need it anyway."

"Yes you do! Don't try to lie to me, Darry. I know we're in debt, so I want to help get us out of it."

"No, I'm supposed to handle the money. You spend that on yourself. Buy a car. Don't give it to me. I don't need charity."

I sighed. I knew what he was feeling. He was mad that someone helped him. He's so stubborn. But then, I get it from him.

I walked around the table and knelt beside him.

"Darry, listen to me. You've been the one to take care of everything for years now. You're always the strong one. But you also suffer for me, and you suffered for Soda. You work at least 90 hours a week. Darry, you need help sometimes. You can't refuse it, especially from me. Besides, you said we should stick together. We're a team. We'll get through it together. If you won't let me get a job, I can't help you. But that money wasn't from a job. It was from little things that I'd done. Money I got for no reason from you and Soda. Darry, please take it. I need you to take it. Please."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because! I _am _the one who takes care of things. I'm supposed to be. I promised Mom and Dad that I'd take care of you and Soda. And that's what I'm trying to do. I already failed Soda. I can't fail you, too." Tears were in his eyes, but he refused to let them spill.

"Darry, stop being the strong one for a day. Live a little. Act like you don't have to do all this. Act your age. You need to. It's killing you being tough all the time. No one is always strong. Cry, Darry. I'm here for you. I'll hold you when you cry."

And he did. I wrapped my arms around him and he cried. The sobs shook his entire body. At twenty-three, Darry worked harder than he should. He should be just out of college. He should be becoming someone big, making lots of money without having to work too much. He should be dating. He should be living a little. But he's trapped here. He might not see it that way, but Darry is. He's trapped in his own house, in his job. He can't be free until I'm out of college. And even then he'll be paying off my tuition. Darry is the best brother in the whole world, and yet he has no idea that he is.

I tightened my hold on Darry, reassuring him that I was here. He's always been here for me, but when he's suffered a loss, he's been all alone.

Darry took care of Soda and me. When our parents died, he didn't cry. He didn't cry because he had to be strong for us. If we saw him cry, we'd be lost. He took control of the situation. He became a parent to us. He was our guardian. But he's never been allowed to cry. And now he needed to cry it all out because he was allowed to now. He had someone to cry to. And that person was me.

Darry moved his arms around me and hugged me so tight I thought I might not be able to breathe. He stroked my back. I hugged him back.

"Darry, it's your turn to cry. You didn't get to cry so many times, but I cried many more times. You were always there to hold me when I cried, but you had no one to hold you when you cried. So, I'm here. Cry now, Darry. It's your turn now."

"I love you, Pony." His voice was strained as he fought to stop crying.

"I know, Darry. I love you, too. You're a great brother. The best in the world. You're even better than Soda, though he came awfully close. Soda was a great brother, and I loved him with all my heart. But he didn't suffer for us like you have. You're a better brother for it."

Darry pushed me away from him so he could look me in the eye.

"What?"

"You're a better brother than Soda was. Don't get me wrong, Soda was a great, great brother. You two were almost tied for being the best brother, but you beat him by a little more."

"You mean, you think I'm better?" The idea was over his head.

I laughed a little. "Yes, Darry. That's what I'm saying."

**(change to Darry's POV)**

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Pony thought I was a better brother than Soda was? I mean, I always thought he loved Soda more. I thought he thought he was the best brother, not me. This sudden news was hard to believe.

"I. . .I don't know what to say." I blurted out.

Pony looked at me closely.

"Darry, you didn't know, did you?"

"No." I said, still in shock.

"Darry, I loved Soda. I was closer to him. I loved him more than anyone in the world. But I love you the same amount I loved Soda. I never loved you any more or less. But as much as I loved Soda, I've always thought you were a better brother. I mean, look at all you've sacrificed for me, for Soda. Not everyone can say that they'd do something like that."

"I had to. You're my family, and I love you."

"I know, Darry. But you gave up college. A future. And you did it just for us. You're my Superman, Darry. I can't imagine anyone else being a better brother than you."

The idea was still over my head, but I was so touched by Pony's words. I always thought that he loved Soda more than me. For him to say that he loved me just the same was amazing. I saw the love between him and Soda. I was always jealous of it. But I had had the same love all along.

"Oh, Pony." I said, and took Pony in my arms and gave him a hug.


	10. The Socs

Darry was off on Saturday. I was thankful. The days were long and boring, with nothing to do. I hated just sitting around all day.

It was late afternoon, and Darry got up to get us something to drink. I was allowed to get up, but Darry didn't like me to anymore than I had to.

I w as looking out the window, enjoying the pretty day, when a group of Socs came up our sidewalk. They weren't just any Socs, they were the ones who had beaten us.

"Darry!" I yelled, frightened out of my skin.

Darry came rushing into the room. "What is it?"

It was then that we heard a knock on the door. Darry looked outside to see who it was, and when he turned to my pale face, he said, "It's okay, Pony. They won't hurt you."

Darry walked purposefully to the door. He opened it up, and stood in the door frame, not letting the Socs get through.

"What do you want, ass holes?" Darry said. He wasn't known for cursing at people, but I guess those guys deserved it more than anyone. I noticed that they were short one guy.

"We just came to talk." The one who I assumed was the leader, said.

"So talk." Darry said.

I got up and walked over to the door, and hid close behind Darry.

"We came to apologize. We were wrong to hurt you, just because of your beliefs. But you have to believe us, we didn't know Ted had a gun. We never would have let him come with a gun if he had one."

"Why should we believe you?" Darry said, his eyes colder than ever.

"Because we turned Ted in." The leader said.

"Then how come you're not in jail with him?" Darry asked suspiciously.

"They let us go since we turned Ted in. We still got community service, but that was it."

"Sure." Darry wasn't buying it.

"No, listen, call the police. Talk to them. They'll tell you it all.

Look, we're sorry for what we did you two. We didn't really expect it to go so far, though we took it that far. We're all sorry. We never meant to get you shot. We just wanted to get back at you."

"For doing what!"

"For being for the war. Look, we just fought against you because we're all too chicken to go to war. Your brother was brave enough, and we were jealous. But what happened to him was what we were afraid would happen to us. We didn't want to die, not that he did. But he made the choice, and we didn't.

We don't expect you to believe us, but we wanted to say we're sorry."

The group of Socs turned and walked away. I got in front of Darry and called to them, "Thank you."

The leader turned around and smiled at me. It was the first time he looked human to me.

Darry closed the door and we went back to sit down. I had gotten kind of tired from standing for so long.

Darry sat in the arm chair. I slumped down on the couch. A few minutes later, the phone rang.

Darry got up to answer it. I watched him walk to it and answer it.

"Hello?" Darry said into the phone. "Yes, this is Mr. Curtis. Yes. Really? Thank you for telling us. Right. Yes. Thanks. Bye." Darry hung up the phone and sat back down in the arm chair.

"Who was that?" I asked.

"The police station. They said they found the guy who shot you. Someone turned him in."

I smiled. They were telling the truth after all.

**Darry's POV**

I sat on my bed that night, and I couldn't help but think about those Socs.

They apologized. But an apology doesn't make things easier. They did so much to us. But Pony was able to forgive them? That was something I couldn't understand.

I slowly fell asleep, and I was comforted by the images that greeted me.

_Flash back(yay)_

_"Soda, rub harder! You're starting to put me to sleep." I barked at my younger brother as he massaged my back. I had pulled another muscle when I was trying to finish up earlier. I carried too many bundles of roofing at once again._

_"And what would be wrong with that? You don't sleep enough as is. You're always worrying at night, pacing the floors like some ghost come to haunt us. Don't think I don't notice." Sodapop said._

_"I know. But I have a good reason."_

_"Humor me. What is it that keeps you so awake at night? What's this 'good reason' you speak of?"_

_"I'm thinking. I don't get to think during the day. And, yes, I do worry, but it's my job."_

_"How many jobs do you have?"_

_"Too many." I grumbled._

_"I know, Darry. It's hard, but we're getting through it, you know?"_

_"Yeah, I guess." I started drifting to sleep, silently cursing Soda for putting me to sleep._

_When I woke up next, it was early in the morning. The clock read 3:12. Time to pace the floors._

_I got up and went to the kitchen. I made myself some coffee and sat down at the table._

_I heard a noise coming from Pony and Soda's room. I got up and peeked in their room._

_Soda was sitting up in bed, looking to the door, like he had been expecting me._

_"Could you not sleep soundly for one night?" He asked in a quiet voice, so not to wake Pony._

_I motioned for him to come out in the hall so we wouldn't wake Pony up and he came grumbling out._

_"One night, that's all I ask. You need some rest, Darry. You'll kill yourself if you keep this up any longer!" Soda lectured me._

_"You know I can't sleep. I got a good seven hours in, from you putting me to sleep. I don't need anymore."_

_"Yes, you do! That was the most that you've gotten in a month, no doubt." His voice turned to pleading. "Please, Darry. You need your rest. I don't want you collapsing on a roof and then falling off and breaking your neck."_

_I placed a hand on Soda's shoulder. "Don't worry, little buddy, I'm fine. Don't worry about me."_

_Soda looked angry for once. He was always so happy-go-lucky._

_"Not worry about you? Darry, you're always the one worrying about Pony and me. You need someone worrying about you, you know. Damn it, Darry, Pony and I are both worried about you. You've got dark circles under your eyes. You look like the walking dead. Get some sleep, for once!" Soda said loudly._

_We suddenly heard a noise from inside his and Pony's room. It was Ponyboy._

_We went hurriedly inside, and found Pony reaching out for Soda, but he wasn't there. So he started screaming Soda's name. He was asleep, but his words were so clear that it was as though he was awake._

_"Soda! Soda!" He screamed._

_Again, I felt the pang of jealousy go through me. He was always calling Soda's name, not mine._

_Soda got in bed beside Pony and took him in his arms._

_"Sh, sh. I'm here, Pony. Sh, stop yelling. You're all right. I'm here." He rubbed Pony's back and slowly set Pony back down on the bed._

_I was surprised when a few minutes later he yelled for me._

_"Darry! Darry! Where are you? Darry, I need you. Darry!"_

_I was almost too shocked to react. I suddenly snapped out of my shock and rushed to Pony's side._

_"Sh, baby. I'm here." I said, and I got in on the other side of Pony. All three of us were in that small bed. Two of us were afraid to move, for fear Pony would get scared again. The other was afraid of us leaving._

_Mom and Dad had only died three months ago. Pony had nightmares almost every night and it was killing Soda and me to see him hurting and so afraid. Pony was only thirteen._

_Soda and I both stroked Pony's back and hair. The poor kid had been through so much._

_I realized that we both had been worrying too much. It wasn't just me. It was Soda, too._

_"All right. I'll try to sleep more and slow the worrying, if you do too." I said to Soda._

_"Deal." He said. We shook hands on it, and Soda grinned from ear to ear at me._

_Pony stirred a little, and then we heard him mumble, "No one's going to get any sleep if you keep yappin'."_

_Soda and I smiled at each other. Then we got under the covers and we all slept soundly. Even me._

I was suddenly awakened by a scream. It was Pony.

I ran to Pony's room, where he was thrashing about on his bed. He was reaching for something, and I realized it was Soda.

It broke my heart to see him searching for Soda, when he wasn't there. I got in on Soda's side of the bed, taking his place.

Pony grabbed hold of my arm and squeezed tightly. He slowly settled down, and I soon heard him say quietly, "Darry."

I smiled through tears at my brother's words. He wasn't reaching for Soda. He was reaching for me.


	11. Let Me In

**I changed it a little due to a lot of reviews complaining about one part. Don't worry, I wasn't offended, I just think that it'd be better to just cut it out. Thanks!**

I woke up to find Darry laying in bed beside me. I smiled at the sight of him. Even Darry looked younger when he was asleep.

I remembered I had had a nightmare the night before. Darry had been in it. I wondered if he had heard me and came in to check on me. I was comforted by the thought.

How could Darry not see how great of a brother he was? It seemed like everything he did, he did for me. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I'm right. Darry cares more than anyone cares. All that time I was grieving because I lost my parents, the people who cared about me the most. And I never realized that I had someone else who cared about me, besides Soda. Darry.

I watched the Darry sleep, for once relaxed. It was about time he got some sleep. He'd been working so hard lately. I felt bad, because I knew that he had to since I got in the hospital. I didn't mean to. I hope he knew that.

I looked at Darry's face, trying to find some similarity between the two of us. No had ever said that I looked like Darry; they only said I looked like Soda. But looking closely at Darry, I saw a few similarities.

We both had the same stubborn set to our jaw. Our hair was a similar color, but Darry's was a shade darker, more brown than red. Darry looked more and more like Dad every year, though. Sometimes I forgot that he was my brother instead of my dad. A hint of stubble was visible on Darry's jaw. I had finally needed to shave, though I had done it even when I didn't have any facial hair.

I quietly got out of bed, so I wouldn't disturb Darry. He needed to sleep in. It was only eight in the morning, and he was off today.

I thought about making breakfast, but I figured Darry would get mad at me being so active. I was still on bed rest for another week. I didn't want to have to make it longer.

So I slowly made my way to the couch. I sat down and picked up a book I had left the night before. I read my book in silence, and soon I heard Darry stir.

"Pony?" I heard him say.

"I'm in the living room." Darry probably wasn't used to me being up before him. But he was still being paranoid over nothing. I knew he thought something happened to me.

I heard him quietly sigh and then he got up out of bed.

"You're up early." He said as he walked down the hall.

"Yeah. I slept good for once." I said.

"You hadn't before?"

"No." That was all the information I was giving him. Apparently he realized it.

"You want some breakfast?"

"Sure."

"Got anything in mind?"

"Whatever you fix." I like everything Darry makes. I used to be a picky eater, but not anymore. I guess that's another thing Darry and I have in common.

I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked up and saw Darry was making blueberry pancakes. Mm, my favorite.

Soon Darry was flipping the pancakes and serving me a plate full. He joined me soon after and we sat there eating our pancakes.

"Thanks." I said as I got up from the table, after I ate three of Darry's famously thick pancakes.

"You're welcome. Sure you don't want anymore?"

"No. I'm stuffed." I smiled at Darry and he smiled back, but it seemed hesitant.

"Something wrong?" I asked.

"Pony. . .what did you mean earlier? About not sleeping?"

"I've been having those nightmares again." I said simply.

"Why haven't you told me?" Darry's voice was stern, but there was a tone of concern there, too.

"It would just be one more thing for you to worry about." It was true. Darry would worry no matter what.

"I know, but it's my job to worry. You need someone to worry about you." His voice was quiet at the end.

"And who worries about you, Darry?"

He was silent for a minute.

"No one needs to worry about me. I take care of myself."

"Then I'll worry about you."

"Ha, that's the last thing you need. Worrying about me will give you an ulcer. Your stomach's already bothering you. You don't need anything else bothering you."

"Hell, you haven't gotten an ulcer yet and you do ten times more worrying than I do!" I argued.

"But you don't deserve a life like that. You-"

"And you do!"

He sighed, trying to remain in control.

"Pony, you're young. You're going to become some one important and leave this little town. And that's what you deserve."

I took a step toward Darry, touching his shoulder. "If I can become someone important, why can't you?"

He smiled sadly at me. "I'm not cut out for it. I'm only good for my muscles, anyway. All brawn and no brain, right?"

I hated the sarcasm in his voice, but what I hated worse was the underlining of truth. Did he really think he wasn't good for his brain?

"Darry, listen to me-"

"No, you listen! You grow up and become someone important! You deserve more from life than a dead-end job. Go to college! Fall in love! Don't do what I did, Pony. You have no one holding you back but yourself. Don't do it. Let yourself go." I was surprised at the passion and anger in Darry's voice.

We stood in silence for a few minutes. My side began to throb again, but I ignored it.

I broke the silence.

"Did. . . did I hold you back, Darry?" I said in a quiet voice.

Darry looked at me quickly.

"Ponyboy Michael Curtis, don't you dare think that. I held myself back. Not you, not Soda, not anyone else. Me!"

I started to feel sick again. I suddenly held my side and Darry looked at me with concern. I groaned from the pain.

"Pony, are you all right!" He asked.

"No."

If Darry hadn't been there, I would have fallen on my face. I suddenly pitched forward, and Darry grabbed me around the waist.

Darry helped me get to the couch and I slumped down on it. He lifted my shirt, trying to see any external damage, but there was none.

"Where does it hurt?" He asked, as though he were a doctor.

"Where I was shot." I said, trying to keep the "that was a stupid question" out of my voice.

"Let's go to the hospital." Darry said, and he bent over to pick me up.

"No, Darry." I said, thrusting my arm out to stop him from picking me up. "I'm fine. I was just standing up for too long. Let me rest a while, and I'll be fine. This has happened before."

"Before! Damn it, Pony, are you asking to die?" He sounded outraged.

"No, Darry. Don't think that way. The doctor told me if I didn't take it easy, I'd be hurting. It's normal. The first time it happened, you weren't home and so I called the hospital to make sure nothing was wrong. It's normal, Darry. Stop worrying."

"Stop worrying! I'll stop worrying when you start telling me these things. Give me a heart attack, why don't you?"

He finally sat down. He was starting to scare me because he was getting so jumpy.

"What is this all about, Darry? What's wrong? Why are you so touchy today? It's not even ten o'clock, yet."

Darry took a few breaths, trying to calm himself down.

"I just want to know you're safe. If you don't open up to me, I can't know what's going on in your life. Please, Pony. Let me in. I thought we had worked this all out." His voice was gentler now.

I looked into Darry's ice-colored eyes and watched them turn warmer. Darry's eyes turned pleading; he was wanting so badly for me to let him in. How could I not let him in when he was looking so miserable?

"I'm sorry, Darry. It's not that I don't want to. It's just that I don't want you worrying any more than you have to, you know? I will, if you promise not to worry."

He took another deep breath and then he spoke. "Okay. But you have to let me worry some. I'll go crazy if I don't get to worry." He smiled at me and I felt better just from seeing it.

I was going to sit up, but it hurt too much. When I tried it again, Darry put a hand on my shoulder and pushed me back down gently.

"Just stay down, Pony." He said.

"Okay." I took a deep breath. Here goes nothing.

**Darry's POV**

I watched Pony's face. I could see the pain there, but looking closer, I saw the same dark circles that had been under his eyes when our parents died. He hadn't been sleeping well lately. How come I hadn't noticed?

Pony took a deep breath and then, he opened up to me.

"Darry. . . I had a nightmare last night."

When he didn't continue, I spoke.

"I know. I heard you tossing in your room. I saw you reaching out for someone. I figured it was Soda."

"It wasn't, Darry. It was you." He was silent, as though he was still having a hard time opening up.

"Go on." I probed gently.

"I remembered the nightmare this time. It was horrible. I saw Mom hanging from a cliff. I ran to save her, and when I had almost pulled her up. . .she fell to her death. I watched the same thing happen to Dad, Johnny, and Dallas. And then there was you.

I knew I couldn't lose you, Darry. I couldn't let you fall. You were the last one. And when you looked me in the eye, I saw fear in your eyes. I pulled and tugged, trying to get you to the top. And just when you were halfway on solid ground. . .you slipped from my grasp. But this time I fought. I lurched forward, trying to catch you. My hands were thrashing about as I grabbed for you, and then. . .The last thing I remember is that I had grabbed you around the arm. . . I hadn't lost you, too."

He looked up at me when he finished his last sentence. Fear showed plainly in his eyes. But I also saw the pain, pain he must have felt from watching those he loved fall over the cliff. What did it mean?

Pony reached out and grabbed hold of my arm. He squeezed it tightly. He buried his face in my sleeve. Ponyboy was afraid of losing me.

"You'll never lose me, Pony. Never."

I took my hurt and frightened brother in my arms, trying to reassure him that I was right there.

And I always would be.


	12. Forgiveness

Ponyboy was laying on the couch when I got up to go to work Monday morning. Not wanting to disturb him, I quietly walked around the room, wrote him a note, and left for work. I hated to leave without telling him goodbye, but I knew he had been having trouble sleeping.

Pony was still having trouble opening up to me, but he was getting much better. I was glad. No matter how much we missed him, Soda wasn't coming back. And without him, we only had each other to confide in.

It was halfway through the day when I started feeling sick to my stomach. It got to the point where I was hurting too bad to work anymore. I told Matt, one of the guys working with me, that I had to go home.

"Please do, man. You don't look too good. You think you can get home okay?"

"Yeah. I'll be fine. Sorry to leave you."

"No big deal. You've done the same thing for me before. Go home. Say hi to your brother for me."

"Okay." I said and headed to the truck.

Matt was one of my best friends. He wasn't just a work friend, but a real friend. I could always count on him. He didn't know Pony well, but he knew to say hi to him.

By the time I pulled up to the house, I was in excruciating pain. I got in the house as fast as I could. I fell into the arm chair and the pain eased a little.

"Darry?" I heard Pony call from his room.

"Yeah. I'm home!" I called back.

Soon Pony walked out of his room and into the living room.

"You're home early. What's up?" He said.

"I didn't feel too well. I have a pain in my stomach."

"Did you get shot, too?" Pony said, grinning; it reminded me of Soda.

"Very funny. You're getting-" My words were cut off when another pain shot in my stomach.

I started having a coughing fit. When I thought they'd never stop, I passed out cold on the living room floor.

**Pony's POV**

"Darry!" I yelled. He fell to the floor like a ton of bricks. I turned him over, since he landed face first. When I saw the blood coming out of his mouth, I panicked. Knowing Darry wouldn't want to go to the hospital, I called an ambulance. That way he wouldn't be the one driving. Besides, I didn't think I could move him by myself.

I quickly called 9-1-1. By the time I hung up, Darry still hadn't regained consciousness. I ran back to the phone and called Two-Bit.

"Hello?" I heard Two-Bit's voice over the phone.

"Two-Bit. This is Pony. Look, Darry passed out on the floor and he has blood coming from his house. I called an ambulance. Could you meet us at the hospital? I don't want to be alone."

"Sure, buddy. I'll be there probably before you are."

"Okay. Thanks. Bye."

I hung up the phone and ran to Darry's side. He was starting to mumble, but he wasn't conscious yet. Soon I heard the ambulance's siren and they were at our house.

"Where is he?" One of the medics asked.

"He's over here." I said, ushering them through the door.

Two medics leaned over Darry and inspected him. Soon they had him lifted on a stretcher, that was too small for him, and then we were in the ambulance.

I looked worriedly at Darry's gray face. He looked so sick. What was wrong with him?

For the first time, I knew the fear that Darry was experiencing when I was sick. And it was the worst feeling in the world.

We arrived at the hospital in no time. I grabbed Darry's hand and ran along the stretcher. When we got inside, Two-Bit was sitting in the waiting room. When he saw us, he got up and ran over to the stretcher.

"What's going on? Is he okay?" He asked.

"I don't know." I said.

"He'll be all right." One of the medics said, but I wasn't so sure.

When we got to the doors of the ICU(that sounds right, but I don't know), they told me I had to leave.

"I can't leave him. He needs me!" I pleaded.

"You'll have to leave. It's better he go on alone from here."

"No! Please! Let me go with him!" I screamed. Two-Bit grabbed me around the waist while they pulled my brother away from me.

"No! Darry!"

Two-Bit led me to the chairs of the waiting room. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to be with Darry.

How come he hadn't regained consciousness? He'd been out for at least twenty minutes. And the blood. What was going on inside of him?

I leaned my head back on the chair, feeling the warm tears flow down my face. Two-Bit was watching me with concern, but I couldn't reassure him that I was okay. Because I wasn't.

After what seemed like years, one of the doctors came out. I stood up quickly, wanting to hear about my brother.

"Are you Pony?" The doctor asked.

"Yes sir." I said.

"I'm Dr. Clark. Your brother's doing fine now. He has a gastric ulcer. Apparently, it opened up, and was bleeding. That's why there was blood in your brother's mouth. We've put him on some medication, which will help heal the ulcer. But ulcers never really go away."

"Can I go see him?" I asked.

"Yes. He's in room 150."

When the doctor pointed down a hallway, I hurried to get to Darry. Two-Bit stayed behind, understanding that we needed to be alone.

I finally got to Darry's door. I flung the door open and ran inside.

Darry was laying on a hospital bed. His face was pale, but he looked better than before. When he heard me come in, he turned to look at me and he gave me a weak smile.

I went to his side, and took his hand. I cried once again, but this time it was because I was so happy.

"You had me so worried." I said through the sobs.

"I know. I'm sorry, baby." Darry said.

"It's not your fault."

"Yes it is." Darry looked at me, and I saw the seriousness in his eyes.

"What do you mean?" I asked slowly.

"You've been telling me not to worry, but I do it anyway. And this is where it led me." He looked down at his hands, ashamed.

"No, Darry. It's okay. You didn't mean for this to happen. Like you said, you'd die if you didn't get to worry."

"Well, I guess I can die from worrying."

"Stop it, Darry. It's just an ulcer. You'll be fine."

"I know. But what if I wasn't?" He looked up from his hands at me.

"You're fine. Nothing will ever happen to you. You're superman." I smiled at him.

He smiled back. He looked lost in thought for a few minutes, but then he turned to me.

"Pony, something's been bothering me lately."

I sat down. "What is it?"

"How come you were able to forgive those Socs that beat you up?" He said plainly, not beating around the bush.

I thought for a minute. How was I able to? They had done so many horrible things to me.

"Well, because. . . they turned that guy in. They're human too. They made a mistake. And they paid for it. They were able to do the right thing, so I should too. . .Why? Haven't you forgiven them?"

Darry looked upset.

"Of course not! Damn it, Pony, they nearly killed you! How am I supposed to forgive someone who tried to kill me and my brother just because we were behind our troops?"

"The same way I did."

"Maybe you can, but I can't. Pony, they were trying to kill you! There's no doubt in my mind that they would have, too. They said they didn't know that guy had a gun, but they were going to kill us without a gun. I saw something in their eyes that I'd never seen in anyone else's. It was a hatred. A rage. I don't know how to explain it. But when I looked in their eyes, I knew I'd die. They were ready to kill me. And it scared me because I didn't want you to be alone in the world."

"Darry, that didn't happen. They didn't kill us. They ran away before they could. Remember? Once the guy shot me, they ran. If they wanted to kill us that bad, they would have let him shoot you too. Not just me. And they could have beaten me so I would survive the shot. So many things could have happened, but they didn't. And since they didn't, it's easy to forgive."

Darry shook his head. "I don't get it. How could you forgive someone like them?"

"Because they're not so different from us. Sure, they have money. They're spoiled. They get whatever they want. But deep down, we're all human, we're all the same. And we all have our own troubles. Because things are rough all over."

Darry thought for a minute, then sighed, as though giving up.

"I still don't see how you could forgive them so easily. And I don't know how I will. But I'll try."

I smiled at him. "Well, it's a start."

Darry smiled at me, then rested his head against the pillow.

"How are you feeling?" I asked him.

"A little better. I think the medicine is finally kicking in." He looked exhausted.

"Why don't you go to sleep." I suggested.

"Okay." He said, already close to sleep.

I pulled the cover up under his chin.

"I'll be here when you wake up." I said quietly.


	13. Visit to The Cemetery

Two-Bit came over to see me. I finally convinced Pony to go home. I had to stay the night at the hospital, and that was it. I was even nice enough to let him drive the truck over to pick me up.

"So how you feelin', man?" Two-Bit said as he came into my room. He was nice enough to wait until Pony left to come in. He's changed a lot.

"Better now that I've got some medication in me." I said with a chuckle.

"Yeah. I know how that goes."

"So how's your mom? You guys doin' okay?"

"Gettin' by. Can't complain."

"Just take it day by day." I leaned my head back on the pillow.

"You scared Pony somethin' awful."

I looked at Two-Bit. "Oh, yeah? Was he okay?"

"Never seen him so scared. He looked less scared than that time he got jumped by those Socs. He looked like he was dangling on top of a cliff or somethin'."

Poor Pony. I knew the feeling. I hadn't expected him to get too worried. I just had an ulcer.

"You were there, though, right?"

"Didn't do much good. Poor kid wouldn't say a word. Just leaned his head back and cried. 'Bout made me cry. But you know me, I ain't the cryin' type." Two-Bit said with a grin.

"Yeah. You're tough enough." I said, smiling back at him.

"I was thought Pony was, too. I don't know. Seeing him like that, I thought maybe he'd want to be hanging off a cliff. Only, he'd let go."

I knew how that went. My poor brother. I never meant for him to have to go through what I went through. I was hoping life would ease up on him a little. But I guess that'll never happen.

"You hear anything from Steve lately?" I asked.

"Nope. He said he might not get to much. Apparently he's done training. Now comes the time to worry about him." He thought for a minute. "Well, you'd better not since you all ready got an ulcer."

"You're still sharp as ever, aren't you?"

"Yep. And I'm never gonna change!" Two-Bit said as he walked to the door.

"See you later, man!" I called.

"See ya!" He hollered back.

Good ole Two-Bit. Maybe he hadn't changed so much after all.

* * *

I drove the truck to pick up Darry the next morning. I was extatic. I couldn't believe he had actually let me drive! He never did, but I guess he figured it was that or we'd have to walk back home. 

When I pulled up beside the doors, Darry was already waiting on me. He looked better than he had the day before. He had on his black t-shirt that showed off all his muscles, and I noticed how all the girls stopped to watch him go by. He had an appeal to him, that I don't think even he realized he had.

"How you feeling?" I asked as he came inside the truck.

"Better. How about you?"

"Not bad. I guess we're both pretty banged up, aren't we?"

He smiled a little, and I felt better just at seeing it.

I started driving out of town. When we reached the city limits, I saw Darry look at me from the corner of his eye.

"Where are we going?" He finally had to ask.

"The cemetery." I said, as though it were as normal as going home.

We were silent on the way there. I soon pulled into the gravel driveway and drove toward the back. I parked the car and hopped out. Darry followed.

It didn't take long to find Soda's grave. Since he was a soldier, he got a flag beside his. Darry and I didn't have to pay for funeral arrangements or anything.

I walked over to Soda's grave. Darry went back a few stones away, where Johnny and Dallas were buried: side by side. Mom and Dad were right behind Soda.

I remember how one of the men from the army wanted to bury Soda in Arlington. But Darry and I wouldn't hear of it. He was to be buried here, in Tulsa, where he's loved. And where he could be buried with Mom, Dad, Dallas, and Johnny.

I knelt at his grave, feeling the tears already begin to form. I read the words written on his gravestone: Sodapop Patrick Curtis October 8, 1948-September 24, 1967. A hero, a brother, and a friend.

"Hey, Soda. I still miss you. Every day. I can't stand life without you. But I do have Darry and it helps. But. . .why did you have to die? I needed you Soda! Why did it have to be you? You didn't deserve it. You didn't do anything wrong. I love you, Soda. I miss you so much. Darry and I have been getting along okay, I guess. He hit me a while back, but we haven't fought much since. We know how much it would hurt you. I'm sorry you died. Everyonedies. At least everyone I love, it seems. I'm afraid I'll lose Darry, too. Yesterday, he scared me to death. He passed out at home, and there was blood in his mouth. It turns out he had an ulcer. I knew he worried to much. But he never listens. I tried to get him to stop worrying, but you know Darry. He has to get his way." I broke down, starting to sob now.

"When will the pain end, Soda? When? Please, Soda. Make it stop. I'm tired of suffering."I broke down on the ground by Soda's grave, crying the hardest I had since he had died.

Darry rushed over to my side, worrying about me. He lifted my broken body up and hugged me close.

"Sh, sh. It's okay, baby. It's okay. I'm here. Sh." It didn't help. Because the pain was here. It was always here. I don't think the pain will ever end.


	14. Final Goodbyes

Pony wiped his eyes and tried to stop crying. It scared me how upset he had gotten. I knew he missed Soda, and his life was hard, but that was the hardest I remember ever seeing him cry. I hope he's okay.

Pony pushed away from me and slowly stood up.

"I'm going to see Johnny and Dallas." He said.

"Okay. You all right?" I asked.

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess." He walked away toward Dallas and Johnny's graves.

I knelt at the front of Soda's headstone. How I missed him.

"Hey, little buddy." The words were harder for me to say than I expected. I missed saying those words. But most of all, I missed who I said them to.

"I miss you so much. It's been so lonesome without you. Thank God for Pony. Without him, I'd never be making it through this mess. He keeps getting hurt, and scaring me have to death. I thought I'd lose him once. But luckily he's still here. My heart can't take much more of this, Soda. I wish I could just get it to end, but that'll never happen. Will it, Soda? If only. If only.

Pony really misses you. We've been getting along okay. Soda, please, forgive me. I hit him again. I know I shouldn't, but I did. Please, I didn't mean to. I was just so mad. He kept yelling at me, and saying how it was my fault. That I didn't protect you. Please, I didn't mean it. I know you didnt want us to fight, but we're brothers. Brothers fight all the time.

Soda, I love you. I hope you know that. Please take care of us. We need you."

I wiped away the tears that came when I talked to Soda. It seemed every time I did, it was just another reminder that of what I had lost.

* * *

**Pony's POV**

I walked up to Dallas and Johnny's graves. I was over there death. I had come to terms with it. I knew it wasn't my fault. But I still missed them just the same.

I sat down in between their graves. Not knowing who to address first, I decided I'd talk to them together.

"Hi, Dallas, Johnny. I still miss you guys. I know that it wasn't my fault that you died. Well, I don't think it is anymore. I don't know if I was to blame or not. But Soda and Darry told me again and again that it wasn't, so I believe them. I miss you, though. And I'm sorry you guys had to die so young.

It's been hard without you, Johnny. And even harder without Soda. I needed you two. You were the ones I always talked to. You two understood me. Now I'll have to get Darry to understand. Well, I think he does, but I still have trouble talking to him. I don't know why. I love him to death, and I know that he'd listen if I had a problem to talk about. But. . .I don't know, it's not the same as having you and Soda. You guys just listened, let me rant and rave. And then when I was done, you'd give me advice. I think I'm afraid that Darry will judge me, or something. I don't know. It doesn't make any sense, even to me. I'll try though, Johnny. I'll try. For you and Soda. I miss you buddy. I miss you so much.

Dallas, you were gallant. I know you'd hate hearing that, but you were. I don't know how I never realized it. But you were gallant, and brave. You saved me and Johnny. And you loved us. Though you'd never actually say it out loud. You were too proud. You had a reputation to uphold. You were tough and cool. You weren't supposed to feel things, like love, pain, compassion. You were a hood, and you always would be. But how come you couldn't live without Johnny?How come you kept me and him out of trouble all the time? How come you gave us that gun, though it could mean jail for you? You helped us out, when most people would have panicked. So how come? Why would a tough, unfeeling hood like you do that?

Because deep down you had a heart. A heart that was jut buried under years spent behind bars, and fighting all the time. Maybe it was because you didn't have anyone to love you. Your parents didn't care. Was that what made you cold? What did it, Dallas? What?

You were stronger than any of us. Tougher, colder, meaner. But you also had the same side that Johnny had. You said you didn't care that your father didn't care about you. But you did, didn't you?

I'm sorry you couldn't live without Johnny. I know how it killed you. I miss you. I need your hard-headedness. But I don't have it in me. I wish you were here right now, to knock some sense into me. I miss you, Dallas."

I wiped the tears that seemed to continually flow. Now came the hard part. Going to see Mom and Dad.

* * *

**Darry's POV**

"Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad." I said as I sat in front of my parents' graves.

I took a deep breath. Where to start?

"Well, we're doing okay I guess. I got an ulcer. Nothing to worry about, but it hurt like hell. Excuse my language, Mom. Pony's doing better now. He got shot a while back. Saved my life, really. How can I ever repay him for something like that? I mean, what have I ever done for anyone?"

As though she were there, I felt, more than heard, Mom say, _You gave up more for him than most people ever have for anyone. You gave up your chance at college. You've given everything to him. I think he just repaid you._

I smiled, knowing Mom would have said that. She always had been able to talk to me and cheer me up.

"I got so worried about him. I thought I'd lose him, too. Why wouldn't it surprise me? He's all I have left in the world. I lost you two, Soda, Dallas and Johnny. Why not Pony, too? God, please don't take him from me too.

I've been trying to be good. I hit Pony a while back. I didn't mean to. I hope he knows that. I never mean to hit him. He just got me mad. I'm sorry, Mom. I'm sorry, Dad. I guess I'm not as good of a brother as I think I am."

Dad's voice sounded in my head. _Don't ever second guess yourself, son. You are a great brother. Your mother and I are proud of you._

Through the tears, I smiled sadly. Dad was always proud of "his men," as he called us.

"I wish that you could be here.You'd do a better job raising Pony than I have been.He needs parents, but he only has me. And that's all he's getting.

I hope I've done you proud. I miss you more and more every day.I wish you were here. It'd make things a lot easier on me, and I miss you so much. I love you."

I stood up, and turned around. Pony was coming toward me. Well, I guess it's his turn to talk to Mom and Dad.

* * *

I walked past Darry and to Mom and Dad's graves. 

I stared at their graves, still hardly believing they were gone.

"Mom, Dad. I still miss you a lot. It's even harder now that I lost Soda. At least he's with you. I know you missed him, and he missed you. It's just so hard without you. I just don't like living without you.

Darry's doing all he can. He's really a great brother. I love him to death, and he's been so self-sacrificing and everything. I wish he didn't have to give up so much, but he has. I appreciate it so much. I hope he knows it.

I miss you every day. Some times the pain is just too much. I wish you were here. I'd love to have you here. It's hard living without parents, and I know it'd help Darry a lot. If only." I chuckled, just without humor.

"Mom, Dad, I love you. I hope you know that. Take care of Soda. I miss him too. As well as you two."

I got up, not being able to bare saying anything more. I wishmy lifewould have been easier. But it wasn't.

Darry stood by the truck jsut watching me come toward him. He met me half way and opened his arms to me. I accepted the hug, grateful for the comfort that I needed so badly.

We walked side-by-side to the car and got in. I wish I could have taken those I left behind along too.


	15. One More Time

I got into the truck. This time I'd drive. I pulled out of the cemetery after Pony got in. I was sick of all this sadness. It was the last thing Pony and I needed.

I looked out of the corner of my eye at Pony. Since he got in the car, he hadn't said anything, and he didn't look like he felt too good.

"You okay, Pony?" I asked.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah. I'm. . .fine." He looked distracted.

"Okay. If you say so." I still kept an eye on him.

We got home a few minutes later. I walked up the sidewalk. I stopped suddenly when I realized Pony wasn't with me. I turned around and saw him still in the truck, holding his stomach.

I jogged to the truck. Opening up Pony's door, I looked at Pony.

"What is it?" I asked, panicking.

"Nothing. I'm fine." He pushed past me and slowly walked to the house.

I walked beside him, preparing for him to get sick or something.

I opened the door to the house, thankful for being home. It seemed like I had been seeing less and less of our house lately.

I walked toward the kitchen, getting some of Pony's pain killers out, figuring he'd feel better once he had taken some. I saw him go toward his room and close his door. I assumed he was going to take a nap, so I just left the pain killers in the cabinet, since he'd sleep it off anyway.

I had just sat down at the table with a glass of water when I heard a thud come from Pony's room.

I jumped up out of my chair and ran to his room. Opening up the door, I saw Pony sprawled out on the floor, like he had rolled off his bed and onto the floor.

I knelt beside him, lifting him up a little. I wasn't sure if it was a coincidence or not. Maybe he had just fallen out of bed when he fell asleep. Maybe he just hit his head when he fell and that caused him not to wake up. I wasn't sure, so I didn't panic yet.

I picked him up and sat on his bed, with Pony in my lap. I shook him slightly.

"Pony?" I said as I shook him.

He seemed to regain conscious soon after.

Pony opened his eyes, but his eyes were rolled back in his head, showing only white.

"Pony!" I said to him.

His eyes rolled back to the front. He looked at me for second, and then his eyes rolled back in his head and he lost all consciousness.

That was it. I was taking him to the hospital.

I carried him out to the truck, laying him out on the seat. I got in beside him, laying his head on my leg for a pillow.

We were there in no time. I didn't waste any time, knowing Pony might need immediate care.

Luckily, the hospital wasn't very busy. I found Pony's doctor and he looked at him right away.

The doctor opened Pony's eyes, and shone a light in them. He then lifted Pony's shirt, inspecting the bullet wound.

The doctor leaned back and stood.

"Well, I don't think it's anything too serious. Let me ask you, what were you doing before he passed out?"

"Well, we had been at the cemetery and. . ." I was interrupted by the doctor.

"Well, that'll do it. I think Pony was just reacting to the emotional strain of being there at the cemetery. It was probably just his emotions, not anything serious. Sometimes emotions cause wounds to hurt more than they should. We'll keep him over night, just to be sure. After that, try to stay away from here for a while."

I smiled at his last comment. We were here more than we were home.

I sat in the chair next to Pony, as he laid on the bed. I waited for him to regain consciousness.

I didn't have to wait long. Soon Pony stirred and opened his eyes, looking at me.

He groaned. "Not here again." He said.

I laughed. "Yeah, here again. You passed out and I was worried so I took you back."

"Oh, great. Now you'll have to pay even more bills."

"Hey, let me worry about that. The doctor says this won't count anyway. So stop worrying, little-" I caught myself before I finished.

Pony turned and stared at the ceiling. I still couldn't understand how he could do that.

I was surprised when I saw the tears streaming down his face. I touched his face with my hand, brushing at a tear as it fell from his eye.

"What's the matter, honey?" I asked.

My question seemed to upset him more.

"It's just, why hasn't the pain ended yet? I would have thought I'd be over Soda's death. Hell, I'm not even over Mom and Dad's yet. Or Johnny or Dallas' death. Why hasn't the pain gone away? When will the pain end, Darry? When?"

I had to think for a minute. I knew the pain hadn't ended for me yet, either.

"I don't think it goes away, Pony. It's always there. Don't worry, it'll heal after a while. But it won't ever go away. Those people we lost were close to us. Closer than most. We can't just let go of them so easily. There's a hole in your heart where they had been. It can't be filled. You'll love other people, but no one will take the place of those you lost. No one can. It's a constant thing, almost like a chronic disease. You may get over it, but the pain will be there.

You'll come to terms with their deaths. But you will still feel pain over the loss of those loved ones."

After a while, I just started thinking out loud. I wasn't so much addressing Pony, as I was reassuring myself. What I said made sense, and it helped me even more than it did Pony.

"It seems the only thing that really helps is loving someone else. Not necessarily someone new. Just loving someone with all that you have. Cherishing the moments you still have with loved ones, and not dwelling on the past and those you lost."

Pony looked at me. It took a while for what I was saying to sink in.

He wiped his eyes, and then spoke.

"But it hurts, Darry. It hurts real bad."

"I know, baby. I know. It'll stop, though. I promise. And whenever you're hurting, I'm here for you. Just remember that."

What I wasn't expecting happened next. Pony opened up to me.

"I was so scared when you passed out the other day. I wasn't expecting it. But who is ever expecting these things to happen?

I never thought Mom and Dad would die, at least not for many, many, years. And who would expect two healthy young men would die, like Johnny and Dallas? One died because he did the right thing. The other died because he had no reason for living. Did we expect that? No, but it happened anyway. And then with Soda. I never expected him to join in the war. But when he did, I think in the back of your mind you know that they could die. It wasn't as surprising, but it hurt just the same.

Life is so weird. It's been especially hard on us. The gang in general, really. Why? No one really knows.

But when you passed out the other day, I was terrified. I've learned to expect the worst. I try not to be pessimistic, but it's hard not to be. And when you had blood in your mouth, I was so scared, Darry. I thought I was losing you, slowly. I was expecting to lose you. I know I scared Two-Bit, since I wasn't talking to him or anything. But so many things were rushing through my head at that point. Was I going to lose you, too? What would I do if I did? Would I go to a boys' home? Would I give up living? Would I fight to keep our house? Would I continue to go to school, get a job, and go to college? What would I do?

And the scariest thing was, I didn't have an answer to any of those questions. And losing you would have killed me." Tears were in his eyes, and he fought to keep them from spilling over.

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, understandingly. I had felt the same things he had. I knew it would kill me to lose him, and knowing it'd kill him to lose me, I knew that we'd never lose each other. We were hanging on to our last life line, so to speak. If we lost the other, we'd go with them.

"I love you, Darry." Pony said, his voice pleading and scared.

"I know. I love you, Pony. And you'll never lose me. I'm here for you, and I'm never going to leave you."

"You'd better not." Pony said, trying to smile.

I reached over and hugged him. Instead of letting go after a few seconds, Pony just held on tighter. I knew he needed me, so I didn't let go either. My poor brother was terrified of losing me, and I was right there with him.

After a few minutes he let go.

"Are you feeling any better?" I asked.

"Yeah, I guess."

"The doctor said they'll keep you over night, just to be on the safe side."

"Great. Another night at the hospital."

I chuckled. "Yeah, I know."

Pony yawned. I looked up at the clock. It read 8:30. Well, I guess it's time to go to bed.

"Scoot over." I said, and climbed into the bed beside Pony. There was no point going home when I'd just have to come back in the morning.

Pony settled comfortably next to me. I put my arm over his chest, just like Soda used to. And we both slept better than we had in a long time.

**Thanks to Lizzy and Lacey for the inspiration for this chapter!**


	16. The Last Chapter

**Steve's POV**

Now I know what Soda went through. My poor best friend. Knowing what he went through, I'm glad he died. Not that I want him gone. I miss him more and more everyday. But this would have been too hard for him to live with. The memories. The death. The blood. The pain. How many friends did he lose here? To watch someone you care about die, like when Dallas died under the circle of light at the lot. How would he make it? The memories would be overwhelming for him. I wouldn't want poor Soda to have to live with this.

I sat down and started writing a letter. This time, it wasn't for Two-Bit. It was for Ponyboy and Darry.

_Dear Darry and Pony, _

_For once our camp is quiet. It's probably the calming before a storm. I miss you all, but I know I did the right thing coming here._

_Coming here, fighting for my country has shown me what Soda had to go through. And it helps a lot. I've made peace with his death here. I know what he went through, and I respect him even more for knowing how he served his country so well._

_I hear stories from some of the other men about him. No one has had a bad thing to say about Soda. I'm glad. Soda was a great friend, and an even better person. Every time there's a story about him, I listen intently. Most of them say something about how Soda helped them through a hard time. How he comforted everyone, but didn't need comforting himself, though everyone knew he did. Soda was there for others, when no one was there for him._

_The main thing I hear everyone talk about is how Sodapop would go on for hours about his two brothers. Every seemed to know you, they heard about you two so much. Soda had only stories about home to tell. And when he'd speak of home, every one heard the longing in his voice. One of the men, named Shawn, had shared a room with Soda for a while. He told me that Soda had cried at nights, missing his brothers. Shawn said how he noticed the weird way he slept: "Soda would reach his arm out, like someone was laying beside him. Always that arm stayed there. But no one was ever there, though he seemed to think there was."_

_I figure that meant that he was reaching for you, Pony. It saddens me to think of how much he missed you guys, and then he never got to see you again. But in a way, I'm glad he died. Because I think living with the memories of war would have killed Soda, or at least killed his spirit. Gone would be the laughing, reckless man we once knew. And in his place would be a sad, scared, human being, with memories of war haunting his every step._

_I miss you guys. Tell Two-Bit Isaid hello._

_Yours truly,_

_Steve Randle_

I sat back and looked down at the letter I had written. I hope it helped them, because I know they had been grieving for a long time, too.

* * *

**Two-Bit's POV**

"Mom, you feelin' okay?" I asked as I stepped into her room. She had been sleeping early, but now she was awake. And yet, she still hadn't left her bed.

She smiled weakly when she saw me step toward her.

"I'm fine, honey. I was just thinking."

"About what?" I said as I sat down beside her. I realized this was different from me. I wouldn't usually be so serious. But then, people change when they get hit as hard as I have.

"About how I've destroyed you." My mother's usually laughing eyes looked at me, but they weren't laughing anymore.

"What are you talking about? You haven't destroyed me. You-"

She held up a hand to silence me.

"Yes, I have. I'm a horrible mother. I've turned you into an old man. You used to be joking all the time. You were happy. And just because I got a little disease, doesn't mean you should have stopped doing those things. You started working, and then you stopped laughing. You tookcare of me, and you stopped joking. I got worse, and you stopped going out. I don't deserve a son like you, and you don't deserve a mother as bad as me."

"Mom, stop talking like that. You're my mother. I couldn'tjust go out and party all the time when my mother was out of a job and sick. What kind of a person would I be if I left you like that? Mom, I'm not the same as I had been. But that's okay now. You have to grow up sometime. I'm 20 years oldnow. I'm out of school. I'm working. It wasn't like I was going to go to college. Instead of destroying me, you made me a better person."

"But I don't want a Keith. I want my Two-Bit."

I leaned over and kissed my mother's cheek. I knew she was regretting what's happened to me. But it wasn't her fault.

"Mom, it's not your fault. I made my decision. Besides, you have the same Two-Bit. He just grew up. Afterall, who wants to be a Keith, anyway? Horrible name, Mom. You could have done better." I grinned at her, and was pleased when I got a big smile in return.

"Now that's more like it. You need to get out more. I'm doing better. Go have fun. Talk to the Curtis boys. Do something for a change."

I squeezed her hand and then walked out the door. I did need to get out more. I missed hanging out with the gang. But since it was just me and Pony and Darry, I'd have to make do with them.

I'd be stopping in to see them more often.

* * *

Darry and I were sitting on the couch one afternoon, when someone came to the door. Who could that be? I wondered. 

Darry got up and opened the door. I was surprised to see a man in uniform standing in our doorway.

He smiled at Darry. "You must be Darry." He said. How did he know Darry? I didn't know him.

"I'm Joshua Warren. I served in the war with your brother Sodapop." Josh said, saluting us.

"Come on in." Darry said in a voice that showed his shock.

Josh nodded, and came into the room. He stood, waiting until Darry sat down to sit also.

He looked over at me and smiled sadly. "You're Ponyboy, right? You look a lot like Sodapop."

"Yeah." I replied.

We were all silent a moment, then Darry spoke.

"So, Josh, what brings you to Tulsa?"

"I came to see you."

"Why?" I asked, confused as to what one of the soldiers that served with Soda would want with us.

"Well, your brother saved my life. One day, we were supposed to go into a Vietnamese camp. We weren't supposed to kill them, just take some hostage. What we hadn't realized was that it was a trap. They had been expecting us. And when we came upon them, they started firing at us. Except for your brother, no one was killed from our side. No one was taken capture. And that was because of your brother. Your brother was shot when he got in the way of a bullet meant for me. I ran out of the way, and he was left there, dead. I wanted to go back for him. And when I tried, I got shot in the leg.

"He pointed to the bandage on his left leg. "But I was pulled back by one of the other soldiers in our quadrant. The others got him after we returned with more men.

I was taken to a hospital. I stayed there for two months, and then I was sent home. It's taken me this long to get to you."

Josh withdrew something from inside his coat pocket.

"Soda was my best friend. Without him, I probably would have ended up as a deserter. Your brother was a special man, and I am a better person just for knowing him. We shared a tent. And one night, after our work was done for the day, we talked about the big question: What if I never make it home? Well, we decided that night that it was time to write a letter to our loved ones. I wrote to my girlfriend, my mom and dad, and my little brother. Soda wrote to you two. And we decided that if one of us was killed, that the other would deliver the letter to his family. We wrote our letters, and then exchanged them. They're both still sealed, but I don't plan on letting my family read the letter I wrote them."

He handed the letter to me, and I held it as though it were a piece of gold.

I looked back at Josh and he took something else out of his pocket. It was a black case, like something for a ring or necklace.

"I heard about you getting shot, Pony. About how you got beat up, just because you were for the war. I was given a purple heart because I was shot trying to get your brother's body. But you were shot because of what you believed. That's more deserving than what I did."

Josh took out his Purple Heart medal and gave it to me.

"I. . .I can't take this." I said.

"Soda never got a medal for what he did . . . because he hadn't been following orders. But because he wasn't following orders, six men, including me, are still alive. If you won't take it for yourself, at least take it for Soda."

I looked down at the medal. Soda deserved more than some medal for what he did. But it would be wrong of me to deny this man what he thought Soda deserved. So I accepted his offer.

Joshua nodded. "I know Soda deserved more than that, but that's all I can give."

"Thank you." Darry said, his voice strained with emotions.

"You're welcome." Joshua stood to leave, clicked his heels, and saluted us.

I gave him a salute in return, but his looked better.

"Thanks, Josh. It means a lot to us." I said as I stood to shake his hand. But he wouldn't hear of a hand shake. He gave me a hug instead.

"Your brother was the bravest soldier I knew. I just wish I could pay him back for saving my life." Tears were in Josh's eyes a he spoke.

"I know. But you must have been pretty brave, too." I said.

Josh smiled. "I doubt that, but I'd like to think so."

Darry stepped up and hugged Josh, too. "Thank you. For everything."

Both men were pretty choked up. Josh stepped out to leave.

"Bye, Josh!" I called.

"Bye, Ponyboy." He said, laughing when he said my name, as though he still couldn't believe he had met me. Me!

When the door closed behind Josh, I sat down on the couch, fingering the letter Soda had written for us.

Darry sat down beside me. "Open it." He said, still choked up.

I tried to, but I couldn't.

"I can't do this, Darry. You open it." I said as I shoved the letter at Darry. He took it and carefully tore open the envelope.

I sat closer to Darry, drinking it al in.

"Read it." I said, wanting Darry to read it out loud.

Darry cleared his throat, trying to will tears away. And then he began.

"Dear Darrel Shaynne and Ponyboy Michael,

I write this letter with great sadness. I don't know that I will die, but if you are reading this, than I must have died in the line of duty.

Life here is hard. But it's only hard because I am away from the two people I love most in the world, and that's you two. I miss you more and more every day. Every time I don't think I have a tear left to cry, another one falls. I'm homesick, but I'm doing okay.

Now comes the hard part. Enough small talk, because that'll come in other letters. This is the serious stuff, the stuff that I hate to write.

Ponyboy, be good to Darry. He works hard for us, and he'll need a little help with paying bills and stuff. Remember when he hits you, fights with you, he does it because he's scared. He loves you as much as I love you, and that's a whole lot.

You're a smart kid, Pony. I was dumb, and by your age, I was flunking most of my classes. But I've seen your good grades. You'll get to be so famous when you grow up. I just hate to think that I'll miss it. You've become a smart, thoughtful, tough man that I am proud to call my younger brother. I hate to think that you'll have to deal with another loss. I know how it killed you when Johnny and Dallas died.

I didn't mean to cause you any pain. I know you'll cry more tears than ever when I die, not to be too conceited. You've lost so many loved ones in your life. I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you from all the death in your life. I wanted to, but I felt the same pain as you did, and I needed someone too.

Lean on Darry. He needs to know he's needed. Go to him for advice. Tell him your troubles. He really does listen. Probablybetter than I do. He'll give you good advice. You won't need me to talk to, because you'll have Darry. He's a great brother, and he'll help you whenever you need him.

Ponyboy, I love you. A million times, I love you. Never, ever forget that. Don't cry over my death. I died doing a good thing. Please, don't join up like I did. Because if you were killed, Darry would die, too. Don't do that to Darry. Besides, war is a horrible place. One that I hope you never have to know. It would kill you to come here, even if you made it home alive. It's aready killing me, but I just keep thinking that one day I'll come home to you. But if you're reading this, you'll be coming home to me. I love you, little brother. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Darry, you're the greatest brother in the whole wide world. You sacrificed so much for me and Pony. I owe you my life. I'm sorry that I left you with all these bills to pay. I didn't mean for it to happen. I would never do anything to hurt you.

Take good care of Pony. Try not to yell at him so much. He looks up to you, and loves you as I love you. I hope you know that that's more than words can say. Pony will need your help now. He'll be alone, or at least feel that way. Give him time to come to you. It'll happen soon enough. He loves you, Darry, and begs for your love everyday. Please remember to give it to him.

Work will be hard, but you'll make it out okay. Don't be so hard on yourself for not going to college. You're smarter than anyone I know. You may not be what you want to be now, but you will some day. You can go to college later in life. You'll get a good job and be exactly who you want to be. I'll miss not getting to see the successful big brother you'll be. I wish I could be there, cheering you on the whole way. Know that I will be, but just from another place.

Life has been hard on you, Darry. It's been even harder on you than it has been on me and Pony. Pony's gentle, and these deaths have been hard on him. But you've had it rougher, because you try to hide your grief. Remember that it's okay to cry. No one will judge you, but, rather, respect you more for being able to show your emotions. Don't keep it all inside, because it'll kill you. Without me, you'll have only Pony left. Take good care of him, so you never lose him.

I love you, Darry. Never forget it. I love you more than anyone else in this world, as I do Pony. I love you both equally. Be good to Pony. Don't work so hard. And know that you are loved by me and Ponyboy.

I go to a better place now. I'll get to see Mom and Dad again, and even Dallas and Johnny. Up in Heaven, I'll get to ride Mickey Mouse whenever I want. And, Pony, I'll be up there, watching over you two and smoking my chocolate cigarette. Remember?

I love you both. Take care of Two-Bit and Steve. Don't let Steve do anything crazy. I know he'll take this hard.

All the love my heart can hold,

Sodapop Patrick Curtis"

The tears were flowing like a waterfall down both our faces. The letter brought a longing in my heart, but also a peace. Because now I knew what Soda had wanted. How did he know exactly the right things to say?

Darry took me in his arms and we cried for our brother. We both missed him, but the joy of getting to read that last letter helped ease the pain.

When our tears were spent, Darry held me out at arms length.

"We have to take care of each other, Pony. For Soda."

"We will." I said, trying to smile.

Darry hugged me again, and I hugged him back, squeezing tightly.

"It doesn't hurt so much anymore. The pain has ended." I said.

Darry smiled at my comment. We'd be okay, afterall.

* * *

**Oh, gosh. I got tears running down _my_ face now! Man, that was fun to write. I hope you liked it. I really enjoyed this. Thanks to all my readers, reviewers, everyone! I couldn't have done it without you. I appreciate everyone's help. **

**I hope this story can help the pain end for you, too.**

**With love and prayers,**

**Meghan**

* * *

Here's a finale to the story! It's not much, just when Pony and Darry get the letter from Steve! 

**Darry's POV**

I walked inside the house after a long day's work. I was wondering whatPony was up to.

I sotred through the mail in my hands and saw, among the bills, there was a letter from Steve.

"Hey, Pony!" I called. I knew he'd want to read it, too.

Pony came walking out of his room. I noticed he didn't walk very differently, like he had when his wound had been bothering him.

"Yeah?" He asked.

"We got a letter. It's from Steve."

"Oh, good. Open it." He said enthusiastically.

We sat down on the couch together, and I read the letter from Steve out loud.

_I've made peace with his death here. I know what he went through, and I respect him even more for knowing how he served his country so well._

_I hear stories from some of the other men about him. No one has had a bad thing to say about Soda. Every time there's a story about him, I listen intently. Most of them say something about how Soda helped them through a hard time. How he comforted everyone, but didn't need comforting himself, though everyone knew he did. Soda was there for others, when no one was there for him._

_The main thing I hear everyone talk about is how Sodapop would go on for hours about his two brothers. Every seemed to know you, they heard about you two so much. Soda had only stories about home to tell. And when he'd speak of home, every one heard the longing in his voice. One of the men, named Shawn, had shared a room with Soda for a while. He told me that Soda had cried at nights, missing his brothers. Shawn said how he noticed the weird way he slept: "Soda would reach his arm out, like someone was laying beside him. Always that arm stayed there. But no one was ever there, though he seemed to think there was."_

_I figure that meant that he was reaching for you, Pony. It saddens me to think of how much he missed you guys, and then he never got to see you again. But in a way, I'm glad he died. Because I think living with the memories of war would have killed Soda, or at least killed his spirit. Gone would be the laughing, reckless man we once knew. And in his place would be a sad, scared, human being, with memories of war haunting his every step._

I looked up from his letter. Pony had tears in his eyes.

"He really was a great person, wasn't he, Darry?" He asked.

"Yes. . .yes, he was." I replied.

We smiled at each other, and I hugged Pony to my side. Though we already knew how great Soda was, it never hurt to hear it from someone else.

"I'm proud of him, Darry." Pony said.

"I am, too, kiddo. I am, too." I replied.


End file.
